Won't be posting for a while

I am declining heavily. My schizophrenia and the dissociation has been horrible. I am constantly paranoid, I haven't been doing my job because I can not be around guns, and I can not be alone. My medication isn't working well despite already being on a pretty high dose as is.

It's much worse than it has been in years. I was especially prone to severe episodes as a teenager but I had negligent parents who treated hospitals more like a punishment than actual treatment for me.

I can not stop hurting myself in violent ways, much worse than just cutting. I am biting, ripping at my skin with tweezers or nail clippers, scratching at myself, ripping my hair out. I haven't even been drinking much anymore because I'm trying not to spiral and kill myself.

I do not want to die, despite all the things I have said. I do not want to die. I have so much in life. I am happy. I reached the goals I wanted to make in terms of transitioning and overall life. I will not let myself die. I can't. It'll all be a waste

I'm most likely admitting myself to a hospital. I could say more but I can't I really can't