First queer dating experience and internalized homophobia

Hello! Im a 21 y/o woman who has barely any dating experience. A failed 3 month situationship w a guy who talked regularly w his ex and a few talking stages that didn't last long. Let's not forget the very first romantic experience w my female best friend at like 12 that didnt last bc i got scared. The thing is, they didn't last long bc honestly i just run away. Every time. The first time i kissed someone it was a girl, and honestly i was so scared at the time that i dont even remember if i liked it or not. Then with men, i just don't feel it. Kissing them feels like a chore, and the few sexual experiences (only with men) i had were BAD. I didnt like it when they touched me and i would just remove their hand. Never had a problem touching them. Now getting to the present. I've been talking with a beautiful, beautiful woman (22) i met. And i am scared, but so excited. I am scared of looking like a child to her, of my inexperience being a turn off, of treating her like a friend rather than someone i like. Im scared of doing displays of affection in public, of holding her hand, of saying something sweet and ppl hearing us, but i want to so bad. I also have a very hard time starting this type of interactions and she doesn't start them either. I wanted to kiss her the last time i saw her and i kid u not i felt my red face the entire trip back home. And then i found myself begging for her to ghost me. I wanted her to stop messaging me so i wouldnt have to do it. But i dont want to ghost her, not really. I have ghosted men, without a second thought. Not to be mean but they were honestly just boring to me. I'm literally looking for a job so i can take her on better dates and we have been talking for less than a month lol. This is not really a figuring my sexuality type of thing. I am actually pretty sure i dont like men. It's more of a vent kinda? and asking for advice if u ever felt something like this. How did u navigate it? How do u know when the person is not for u or if u are trying to run away bc of some internalized homophobia? Idk i feel like im 12 all over again doing an am i gay quiz, and coming to the realization that i have this much internalized homophobia is kinda crazy to me, i guess i was just turning my back on it. Just anything u have to say abt this honestly, no filter i just want another point of view i guess Thank u for the safe place!!