Over the past year, I and others have tried to get Steven to read the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Many of our subscribers know this text. It's a classic.

Steven has recently expressed that while he now owns the book, he's not managed to get past page one.

There is a disconnect -- for him -- between how a text originally written 1936 (and since updated every few years) can help Steven with is goals. The perennial paralytic goal being

"How can this help me get a relationship without compromising my standards?"

He's also said his attention span doesn't manage well with reading. That is it's own issue, and I've asked him to practice reading anything that is a book (or other non BarStool Sports type blogs) for 15m a day to work that muscle.

Again, there is a disconnect of how having a short attention span makes it unnecessarily harder for him to attract a relationship, and because of these disconnects, doing the work to actually make himself a more stable and attractive partner is just that much harder.

No wonder he feels like he's banging his head against a wall? I would be too. Yet, for Steven, these are all lessons he simply did not have growing up. He did not have role models to teach and frame "Why these are important strategies." worth knowing and using.

The first enemy is this ignorance. Nothing is possible until there is a lingua franca, a common, shared language to navigate the world.

He simply never received lessons and role modeling of how healthy interpersonal relationships can and should work, not just for romantic relationships, but any relationship. Steven and I spent some time a few days ago reviewing how saying anything more than "thank you" and biting your tongue is often too much. Saying "Thank you." [full stop]. Is the right response.

Lessons about manners simply didn't happen, or didn't stick.

Yet why do manners matter? [Emphasis added.]

Let's quote Peggy Post:“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”

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The lessons Steven did get, he figured out piece meal on his own. But he only got half the actual lessons you need. When you assemble a world view based upon a media diet of pop-culture, and parents who's advice (at least the only remembered advice) is either "compromise" or "join the Army", you end up with Frankenstein's monster of a world view.

What's this analogy?...

If anyone here know's the sub-plot tragedy of Frankenstein's monster, they're a complicated and at times sympathetic character. They didn't want to be like that, but they were left trying to navigate a world in which they only had half the lessons as everyone else. They are held responsible for their current actions -- as they should be -- yet wish they had only received better instruction when they were younger.

So what's the "other half"? Where to start?...

So I thought I'd post top-line summaries of How to Win Friends and Influence People for reference later. Maybe some of our lurkers do not know it yet and find some value in their own lives.

Or maybe some can help "connect the dots" for Steven of why these guidelines are as effective in 2021 as they were in 1936.

Steven needs a "road map" or "how to guide" to gain a lingua franca, and this is as good of one as I know. Other suggestions are welcomed.

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The Best Summary of How to Win Friends and Influence People Reading Time: 2 Minutes

A brief, no fluff, summary of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Techniques in Handling People

1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six ways to Make People Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

. . . . .

That’s not all the book had to offer. Here are the other points Carnegie makes worth noting.

Criticism

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. …. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

That reminds me of this famous quote by Thomas Carlyle: “A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.”

People are Emotional

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

The Key to Influencing Others

[T]he only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

The Secret of Success

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.

^(SOURCE URL Link:) ^(https://fs.blog/2012/07/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people/)

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EDIT: I know the numbering is off, but to muck with it will muck up other formatting, so I need to live with it for now. Thanks.