Scotty Doesn't Know

Scotty’s Near-Death Experience (According to Scotty)

So I had this buddy from the gym — we’ll call him Scotty.

One day Scotty goes home, and like any normal human being… he’s gotta take a shit. Nothing crazy, just business as usual.

But then… things take a turn.

He wipes.

And out of pure curiosity — a decision that would change his life — he looks at the toilet paper.

Bro…

It looked like a murder scene.

I’m talking full panic mode.

Scotty starts crying immediately. Full breakdown. This man is convinced it’s over. Life flashing before his eyes.

So what does he do?

He screams for his mom.

And I mean SCREAMS.

His mom comes in like it’s a hostage situation, basically kicks the door open, takes one look and starts trying to diagnose him like she’s been practicing medicine for 20 years.

Scotty’s not having it.

Man jumps up, throws on whatever clothes he can, runs to his car — tears in his eyes, cheeks clenched for dear life — just praying he doesn’t destroy his cloth seats.

Drives straight to the hospital.

Now here’s the crazy part… no wait time.

Which somehow made it worse.

They bring him in, and the doctor walks in — this older guy, well over 6 feet, hands the size of baseball gloves.

Scotty already knew… this wasn’t gonna be good.

Doctor tells him:

“Alright, get undressed and put the gown on.”

Scotty’s laying there, emotionally broken… meanwhile the doctor is in the corner FIGHTING with the gloves.

Snapping them. Swearing. Losing patience.

Finally gets them on.

Then boom — legs up.

No warning.

Just straight violation.

I’m talking one quick inspection with the force of a mechanic checking engine parts.

Scotty said his soul left his body.

Doctor steps back like nothing happened and goes:

“Huh. Minor tear. Anal fissure. You’re fine. Just don’t wipe so hard.”

THAT’S IT.

That’s the whole diagnosis.

Less than a minute.

Scotty’s sitting there… traumatized… violated… emotionally destroyed…

Probably thinking:

“Bro you better check again. Tell me it’s something worse after what you just did to me.”

Man came back to the gym and told us the story…

We were on the floor.