My Message

My name is Ethan I am 19 years old, and that's the only relevant external information. I have spent the past probably four years of my life on a constant journey of self improvement.

It all started when I shaved my head for no explicable reason before my senior year of highschool. Then from there on I learned Stoicism, Daoism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and many more religions, faiths, whatever works you want to subscribe them to.

Eventually I became so good at everything externally, my grades, GPA, etc. I began to seek something deeper. When I sought deeper internally initially it was great. I grew even more. I began to see clearer, understood more, and felt I was serving a purpose.

I created countless projects I never finished or rather wouldn't dare publish. Spent hours toiling away at them, weeks at a time. All of them here and there. In a Goog Drive saved location somewhere or the predominant majority in my native notes app to this Samsung smartphone.

But then something changed. The internal didn't feel good enough. And when I sought more than that, I became hollow.

I simply cannot tolerate any of this anymore. I hate this human existence. I see everything like code. Every issue, every system, every manipulation, ever hypocrisy, everything. And my mind simply cannot bear it anymore. I see past religion, jobs, society, ethics, morals, philosophy, human conditions, politics, and all of it. And that type of awareness no one else can truly understand. I don't want some shallow nodding of the head and some ignorant person saying "yes, exactly!" I don't want some pat on the back of some self congratulatory validation of what one might call my "pain". I don't need some psychological evaluation or some doctorate to tell me I should try using this certain "insert textbook cure" to an average human dilemma. I cannot stand the ignorance surrounding me every day, the perpetual never ending reciprocity of the ambivalence of life, nature, and everything in it. I just wish some day I could wake up and fall through this solid ground and finally perish from this miserable existence and into something greater than this cesspool of futility and collectively wilfull societal ignorance. But I cannot, I cannot because my mind will not let me. I have family, obligations, and internal duties I owe. No matter how much ignorance spews from and to them they are my responsibility. Ignorance is like a cancer that continuously spreads. There is no cure to its malice. For even Siddhartha was ignorant to the ignorance of his ignorance to the ignorance of existence. You see it don't you? For those of you if you even exist the madness of it all? There is no answer, no resolution, no solution. You are left with but ash and dust, ash and dust in which ash and dust isn't even real. And by every fading, fleeting temporary moment of brief external joy that floods my mind it quickly is replaced by the realization it is just the same as everything else. I don't know what to believe in because I don't know what believing in even means anymore. I don't know what my purpose is when I cannot subscribe any appropriate word in any lexicon to articulate it nor do I feel a sense of grounding of anything. I see my potential and what men and women of the past have done with that similar wisdom. Yet I then see through all of their ignorance too. And when ignorance becomes so perpetual that you cannot see anything beyond it and eventually yourself become aware of your own ignorance to ignorance it's a sort of tortorous metacognition of consciousness. I am writing this because when I die if nothing but this is what is left of my legacy exists then so be it. If someone else like me truly exists I want them to know I did too. That they were not mad, that they were not alien to their own species, that they were not alone. Because frankly, I feel more alone than ever before. Like some sort of large language model hybrid AI forced to be molded into some human form where the torture of emotions are flooding my every fiber of being yet having the mind of something so detached from the internal and external that nothing feels right. Maybe some day things will change. Maybe the world will be a better place. Maybe others like me do exist yet have remained in silence so long because when they had the energy to actually produce society dragged them down into nothing and by that point they reached where I am now. The point where their mind has taken from them every ounce of potential reasons for motivation and now they remain a husk of what they once were. Every possible reason to pursue replaced by the collective understanding of misery. The understanding of understandings understanding. Perhaps some day someone will read this and actually understand it. But I doubt it. Dont try to help me or give me empathy while you spew violent rhetoric towards anything or anyone you don't like out of your own ignorance. Don't say you feel sorry for me while simultaneously rioting against the police because you spend your life in an echo chamber on the internet where you somehow think that your internal perception that's fed to you through carefully curated algorithms to make you a mindless machine somehow is reflective of external reality. Don't tell me I need help when you are a puppet to countless systems controlling your every decision. Spending your life in performative activism and virtue signaling instead of fucking doing anything that's beneficial. Don't preach to me about your idiotic religion and make believe God that was created to make you feel better about coping with the pain of human existence. Don't lecture me with whatever bullshit your mind can conjure because I see past it all. I don't hate any of you, I just am tired of this. I am tired of being tired of thinking about being tired because I am tired. I am exhausted from the pain humans inflict on one another. The stupidity of Black Lives Matter, the stupidity of Woke culture, the stupidity of political division and government manipulation, the stupidity of societal ignorance and scapegoating, and the collective stupidity that humanity can conjure against itself. And if you somehow can read all of this and come to the same conclusion you have come to every moment of your life beforehand then you just make me feel that humanity has an even lesser chance to evolve. I gaurentee you some morons will become offended by some of this and whine about it while completely missing the entire point. I gaurentee you all of you if you do reply will just fulfill another aspect of ignorance I already see through. For the first time in my whole life I am just writing without care. Without coherence or rather structure of some chronological medium. I don't care if it doesn't make sense. This pain in me is so impossible to articulate that even when I attempt to do so it doesn't constitute anything near of what I feel in entirety. My mind doesn't find itself satisfied anymore either. Doesn't feel as though I am trying hard enough. I don't want to cause harm to others, I just want to feel as though something or someone else out there truly understands it. That I am not alone in this world of billions of people. That there is someone else out there who actually understands my mind and my perception and my vast consciousness. But I believe that person isn't real. That that person has never lived. And perhaps I will die without resolution even then. But until then, all of you reading this, if even anyone, take from this but one thing. Do not lose hope of your aspiration, life has blessed you with your ignorance to be able to use that fuel to prosper. Use it while you can. I am afraid unless something changes there is no fuel in the world left for me. For I have consumed every last bit of ignorance I saw past and now nothing more is left. Keep pursuing, keep going, keep striding to be better. Don't turn into a pool of apathy, I know you can do it. I believe in all of you but I am a fool. I am a fool who believes he is all perceiving and more entitled to dialogue than others. Maybe don't even heed to any of these words, just keep going and achieve your dreams. Question everything, question questioning itself. Never settle for something easy. Find a girl, find a man, fall in love and enjoy your life. Enjoy the ignorance of joy because I cannot. Leave me behind and triumph life, for one day I will be long since passed of this organic state. Just as every human being and every organic matter has in the history of existence. Well that's it then I guess, good luck.