Am I an asshole for wanting more in my marriage?

I have been married for seven years, and we have two children together. Before marriage, we dated for a year and a half before he proposed. During that time, we both made a conscious decision not to have sex. I had become serious in my walk with Christ, and he was a deacon in his church, so celibacy was something we both believed was important. Although neither of us was a virgin before marriage, we chose to start our marriage in obedience and purity, believing it would strengthen our bond and intimacy.

On our wedding night, when we got to the hotel, my husband said we should sleep because he was tired. I remember feeling disappointed, confused, and hurt, but I tried not to make an issue of it. When he noticed that I was unhappy, he made an effort to have sex with me, but the experience never sat right with me. It felt forced, not loving, not natural. It felt like something he was doing because he felt he had to, not because he truly desired me. That moment planted a quiet sadness in my heart that I ignored for a long time.

In my mind, I believed that once I was married, sex would be free, joyful, frequent, and full of connection. I believed marriage would unlock a part of intimacy I had been waiting for. Instead, in our first year of marriage, we had sex only about three or four times. Each time felt awkward and emotionally distant. I became pregnant six months after our wedding, and even during that period, he barely initiated intimacy or showed desire toward me.

That first year was full of confusion and pain. We argued often, mostly because I felt rejected and unwanted. I asked him directly many times if he was not attracted to me, if I had done something wrong, or if something was happening that he was not telling me. Every time, he assured me that he was attracted to me and that everything was fine. Yet his actions never matched his words.

Eventually, I became so distressed that I involved both of our parents. They spoke with him and asked him the same questions I had asked. He gave them the same answers: that he loved me and was attracted to me. But still, nothing changed.

For years, this pattern continued. We barely had sex unless I complained, cried, or initiated it myself. Intimacy became something I had to beg for instead of something that was shared naturally. That alone deeply affected my self-esteem and how I saw myself as a woman and as a wife. There was a short period last year, about six months, when we had sex maybe once a week, and I thought things were finally changing. I felt hopeful. But that phase passed, and things returned to how they had always been.

After I had our last child three years ago, things changed slightly. We began having sex a little more often, maybe two or three times in a good month. But even then, it never felt like he wanted me. It felt like duty, obligation, or something he was checking off a list. There was no passion, no emotional closeness, no sense of being chosen or desired. When we were intimate, I felt empty rather than fulfilled. Over time, this made me withdraw emotionally and even lose interest in sex altogether, because it became associated with rejection and loneliness.

Now, seven years into our marriage, I am emotionally exhausted. I am tired of feeling invisible, unwanted, and undesired by the man who is supposed to love me the most. I know I am not unattractive. I still receive attention from other men if I choose to notice it, but that only reminds me of what I am missing in my own marriage.

We both work full time. When he is home, he helps with the children and does some house chores. In many ways, he is a good man and a good father. He is present with the children and responsible in that area. But as a husband to me, I feel deeply unfulfilled. I feel emotionally alone, unseen, and unsupported in the ways that matter most to me.

Financially, I carry a heavy burden as well. He is always working overtime, saying we need more money, yet he spends without planning. He does not budget, and this constantly leaves him short of money. I have advised him countless times to create a budget, to plan ahead, and to be transparent with me, but he does not listen. Over time, I became the one managing, fixing, and rescuing our financial situation.

After we got married, I discovered he already owed money to several banks. The money we received from our wedding, which should have been a blessing to start our life together, was used to settle his debts. Over the years, he continued borrowing money without telling me. Each time I found out, it felt like a betrayal of trust. I ended up helping him clear all his debts, emotionally and practically carrying that burden with him. Finally, last year, he paid off the last of what he owed.

I am drained from always having to lead, fix, organize, and hold everything together. I feel like I am carrying the emotional, financial, and relational weight of this marriage almost alone. I am tired of being the strong one. I am tired of being the responsible one. I am tired of being the one who has to ask for love, intimacy, and effort.

I don’t want a broken home for my children. I want them to grow up in a stable, loving family. But I also want to feel loved, desired, chosen, and cherished as a woman. I want to feel like a wife, not just a roommate, a co-parent, or a problem-solver.

I am confused. I am hurting. I am exhausted.

And I find myself asking: Am I wrong or selfish for wanting more than this?