Scared to bury another son

37 months ago I lost one of my 2 sons to alcohol and fentanyl. Only took his first time trying fentanyl. Not enough of either to kill him, but the perfect combination to take him. His dad found him at 620am Wednesday October 12th 2022. I lived a block away. His dad called and said the words that changed my life for good. "Phoenix is dead". I was there by 625am. I don't remember if I had socks on, if I was still in my pyjamas, nothing. But I remember how he looked. How he was not fever hot like he always was as he had a naturally high body temperature. After my ex pulled me off my son and my screams stopped temporarily, I managed to call my other 2 children. My daughter was there within minutes. My older son, he took a while to get a hold of.

We knew he was an addict. Crack and meth are his regulars. He's very open about it now. My surviving son is not my blood. But he is my heart. His bio mom is an addict. On Sunday my ex came rushing over to get me. My oldest just lost his other brother. The only brother he had left. His bio mom's youngest child. He was 19. Good looking, funny, I liked him. My son was clean for just over a year. Then the phone calls to me every other day, visits on the days he didn't call stopped. We knew he was using again. My ex and I rushed to be there for our son and his bio mom and her family. We know that pain. Oh so well. No tears from our son. No anger, no emotion. I know my boy is neurodivergent. I know he doesn't process emotions like me. I also know that he loves his little brother fiercely. He only wanted 25 bucks. I kept trying to talk to him about coming for dinner, and being there for his mother and his 2 surviving sisters that will be morning their brother. But he only wanted money. I understand he doesn't want to be there for his mother. She introduced her kids to drugs. Not fentanyl like his brother died from, but crack.

My son had gained weight, was eating properly, not eating only sugar filled things. He was communicating his thoughts, emotions, plans with me again. He was in school, got a part time job. Now, he's skinny again. Sunken eyes, grayish skin color again. Not sleeping again. I know I can't make him get clean and stay clean. He knows he can come to me for food, love, acceptance of him just because he is my son.

I miss my sons. I miss my 3 kids sitting in the living laughing and joking, teasing each other. I even miss the fist fights between the boys. I miss the emergency dental visits because one knocked the others tooth out. I miss the yells of "mom, he hit me!" Or "mom he's in my personal bubble!" I feel like I already lost both of my boys.

I'm scared my son will try to follow both his brothers. His youngest brother is not even at the funeral home yet, still with the M.E. But I feel like my son will join him in the funeral home. I'm scared like I've rarely felt.

I'm sorry this is all over the place. I'm feeling so powerless and scared. So damn scared.