Too Deep

I never should have played a game I wasn’t prepared for. I stepped into something thinking I could handle it, thinking maybe it would be simple. But feelings have a way of creeping in, quietly at first—until suddenly, you’re drowning in them. That’s where I am now. Drenched in emotion I can’t shake off. I fell, and I fell hard.

I want him. Not just in passing. Not just in a fleeting, physical way. I want his presence, his heart, his everything. But he can’t give that to me—not the way I can give it to him. He doesn’t love me the way I love him. And deep down, I know he’d still choose her. The ex. The mother of his child. I think they’ve found their way back to each other—and I was just a stop along the path.

I understand. They share a child, a bond that’s hard to sever. And to be clear, I never meant to come between them. When we met, they weren’t together. As far as I knew, they had already parted ways. I never wanted to be the reason for someone else’s pain. I’m not a homewrecker. I didn’t sneak in with ill intent. I came in with hope, maybe even naivety.

But now, I love him. It’s not just want anymore. It’s not just longing for his touch or his gaze. It’s deeper than that. I love him in ways that terrify me—because I know I can’t make him choose me. And truthfully, I wouldn’t even try. There are children involved. Lives that shouldn’t be shaken because of my heartache.

Still, I’m left with this weight. This ache that sits in my chest like regret. I should’ve walked away at the very beginning. I should’ve protected my heart. But I didn’t. And now, here I am—left alone, feeling everything far too deeply, paying the price for a love that was never mine to keep.

Loving him feels like holding onto a flame. At first, it warmed me. It gave light in the darkness. But now, I’m burning—quietly, completely—and he doesn’t even notice the smoke. I’m gripping something that was never meant to be held for this long.

And yet… a small part of me still hopes. Hopes that maybe, one day, these feelings will fade and set me free. Or maybe—just maybe—one day, he’ll choose me.

In the quiet moments, I find myself praying to every God and to the universe itself: if he’s not meant to be mine, please, take this love from me. Remove it from my heart so I can breathe again, so I can move on with my life. I’ve never been good with abandonment—especially when it’s in a situation I was never meant to win.