Are men being misled by “looksmaxxing” in dating?

I’ve been seeing a lot of content lately around “looksmaxxing”—the idea that if men improve their appearance enough (gym, skincare, even cosmetic procedures), their dating lives will improve.

On the surface, it makes sense. Dating apps are visual, first impressions matter, and attraction obviously plays a role.

But I’m a matchmaker working primarily with South Asian singles in the U.S., and what I’m seeing behind the scenes doesn’t fully line up with that narrative.

A lot of men are putting significant effort into their appearance—which is great—but still struggling to build real traction in dating. Not necessarily getting second dates, not building momentum, not converting matches into relationships.

And from what I’ve observed, the gap usually isn’t about looks.

It’s things like:

• not knowing how to hold a natural conversation
• coming across as overly “performative” on dates
• lack of emotional presence
• not being clear about what they actually want

At the same time, I’ve seen men who are more average in looks do really well because they’re grounded, engaging, and intentional.

There’s also this newer distinction I’ve been hearing:

• “softmaxxing” (grooming, fitness, style—basically self-care)
• vs “hardmaxxing” (more extreme things like procedures, jawline obsession, etc.)

The first one seems healthy and necessary. The second one feels like it might be compensating for something deeper.

I’m curious what others think—especially from a male perspective:

Do you feel like looks are the main bottleneck in dating right now?
Or do you think other factors matter more once you actually meet someone?

Would love to hear real experiences.

Before and after transformation of a man into a 'supermodel', showing changes in hair, cheeks, and jawline.Image credits: youtube.com/GetBettter