How do you move past what you did and forgive yourself?

Hi Im new here so please let me know if Im breaking any rules mistakenly.

Back in 2019 I was on a 4 month travelling trip with a group of people I was friends with since I was a teen. Prior to this trip life had been less than stellar or great for myself I had unfortunately gone through sexual assault in both 2017 and 2018 respectively none of which had anything to do with my BP although I was still married during those events. Those experiences definitely had a profound affect on me as a person and my overall behaviour in quite a negative way. Prior to me going on this trip there were frustrations to how much I was travelling and I guess distrust was brewing and it was rubbing me the wrong way at the time.

Whilst on the trip I did have 3 separate situations occur with infidelity, me and my friends did attend an adult show that was quite interactive and I did get involved. I did also get an inappropriate massage at a different situation along with I did have a short fling with someone I had met on the trip.

I did tell my BP as soon as I had come back and it hurt them massively we were working on reconciliation and we did get far into it but they did pass away leaving me as a widow. Since then it’s just been extremely difficult for me to come to terms with what I did and it feels like a horrible stain on myself and that I hurt the person I loved most too.

Im open to hearing about other people’s experiences and how you all were able to move past and move on along with if you have any advice for me. Also if anyone has any questions please feel free and I will fill in. TIA