Thinking about my antisocial past and present.

I've never been good at making friends. The idea of being friendly with someone as an attempt to get closer to them makes me very uncomfortable, and it always has. When I was in preschool or kindergarten, I remember going out on the playground during recess and hiding in one of the plastic tubes on the jungle gym. It was kinda just there by itself, so no one bothered me. I felt way more comfortable there, and it was nothing personal against any of the kids. I just didn't want to be friends with anyone.

I ate lunch alone most of the time in high school. There were a couple of semesters when I chose to sit with a group, but it was mainly so I didn't feel awkward. People would come up and sit with me sometimes when I was alone out of pity. I hated pity. I wish they could have understood that I was completely fine and wanted to be alone.

I can be social and nice to people, but I always keep my distance. I don't like it when someone else tries to be my friend, either. I always wonder: "What are your intentions? Would I actually have to put time/commitment into being your friend? Would I have to be vulnerable and tell you things about myself that I prefer to keep private? What if you don't like me; how shitty would that be? Or what if I don't like you--how would I get rid of you?"

I had friends in college actually, but I wonder how true those really were. They pretty much faded away within a few years. I forced myself to be social, and I did have a good time back then--I'm capable of it. It's the forced aspect of it at first that is so tough. After that, I'm okay.

I've never typed all of this out before, so it is somewhat therapeutic. Oh yeah, I should also mention that the best friends I ever had were online friends. And I met my wife online. Sometimes I think that if we could all communicate only in writing, I'd be my best self.