4 steps to improving your relationships: Sharpen self awareness; Master your communication; Engage in empathy; Develop emotional resilience

I've taken what I've learned about how to improve how I communicate, and how I have better relationships, into these 4 parts. I don't think it's an exhaustive list or if it's a perfect organization. It's what works for me, and makes sense to me.

The steps go from within ourselves, to outside ourselves.

1. Sharpen self awareness: This begins with our mind and our sense of self. It's understanding our desire for love and in what forms. It's understanding how likely we make assumptions and how that can negatively affect how we see things in our relationships. It's knowing our fears and desires. All of this happens in our mind and influences us and the relationship before we even begin speaking. Yet if we aren't aware of these different pieces, or try to be, they will influence how we speak and our relationships without even being aware of it.

Have you made assumptions about a person or about what your partner said without even realizing it, and then found yourself saying something in response so quickly you feel like you don't have time to catch yourself? Thoughts to perceptions/interpretations to speech all can happen in seconds. It's lightning fast. It's fucking scary fast.

But seeing it is a skill. Slowing down and seeing what's going on in our mind is a skill. And like all skills, it can be learned.

2. Master your communication: People don't grow up with any clear manual on how to communicate. Many people go through life trying to figure it out and learning through trial and error, or learning "What to do" from parents, friends, siblings, influencers, movies, music, among other things. We all learn our own rules, then assume those are the norm.

For example, one of these rules (that I dislike) is that "If they want to do it, they would". I want to steer away from rules like this that remove power from us, and create invisible expectations. Instead, I go by "If I want something, I ask for it". The faster I can ask for it, the faster I can get it. The longer I'm silent, the longer I don't get it and I'm less likely to get it. (Plus, going back to the "self awareness" piece: What's important to me and always on my mind because it's important to be won't be on another person's mind in the same way. What has the spotlight for me will be backstage for them.)

Some other things I go over as part of Mastering communication:

Be specific with what you want. Say "I want x" not "I don't want x".

The importance of precision with our words. Saying "I feel disappointed, and betrayed, and here's why" rather than a simple "I'm sad". The more precise we are with our words, the more clear information we give to another person. It's a difference between a blurry photo and a clear one.

Normalizing the ability to verbalize what we're feeling. If we are not okay, say it. If we want space, say it. It's about taking initiatve with what we say, rather than being reactive with it or not taking initiative at all.

Understand that we don't have a shared language, especially with loaded words. I could say "I want to be friends with benefits", for example. What is that? What do I mean? If I wrote down what that means and asked someone else to write down what they mean, chances are there's some differences between those definitions for us. Or if I say "I'm angry" and that's a 9 on a 1 to 10 scale of anger and they interpret that as a 4, for example. Or if you're an TTRPG fan: Let's say you tell me you hide behind a tree. I think it's impossible but you don't, because I'm imagining a skinny tree that's maybe 8 inches across and you're imaging a tree with a massive trunk. We both said tree. We both think tree. But there's a massive difference. So, it's better to ask questions about our assumptions on what we're talking about, rather than talking like we're talking about the same thing.

3. Engage in empathy: This is about understanding the other person's motivations, intentions, and emotions, and how they communicate. It's similar to the first two, except combined and being about someone else rather than ourselves.

This includes things such as:

How do you assess a person's motivations?

Understanding how a person that's in pain or feeling intense negative emotions may behave more selfishly (it's a form of survival instict)

Understanding what it means when someone says you are burdensome or difficult.

How to deal with someone whose thoughts, actions, values, words etc contradict one another.

Figuring out what to do if a person's actions aren't aligning with their values.

Being curious when someone is speaking and asking them questions before making judgments or assumptions.

4. Developing Emotional endurance: This is when a conversation gets emotionally loaded, and now has emotional stakes. We may feel angry and lash out, or pull away and stonewall out of fear, as two examples of how this may look.

This covers things such as:

Exploring what makes you feel defensive and shut down in heated conversations?

Creating rules to have in heated conversations so you can have a more controlled, amicable conversation.

Developing the capacity to hear difficult yet honest things, to encourage other people to be honest and open with you.

Processing the aftermath of these difficult emotions.

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Which of these 4 would be most helpful for you to work on right now?