Where in my mind am I now?

I was waiting for something from you. But nothing. So I got into a project and it took a lot of my time and I didn’t go online much.

I just went through all the letters (soo many! Phew) but it was only that account that I just don’t know if it’s you? The latest letter just downright confuses me. How do I see your love as a lie? What am I forcing you to do? I can’t remember what I asked...to wait for my hurt to subside? That?

I guess my brain didn’t know how to handle everything so I threw myself into cleaning and organizing. And it took a long time. I’m not done yet. The process frustrated my mom and plus some other issues made her angry and unpleasant to me. She said she was sick of me and wanted me to leave. That really hurt because I’m not the one that yells at her everyday, insults her and starts arguments and fights (dad). And somehow, I’m the problem here. I know the consequences of my ocd are ridiculous but I’m not doing anything intentionally. I keep having this thought, well maybe you should be mad at dad for causing this whole thing in the first place! Of course I’d never say it cause I don’t know and he is innocent until proven guilty. Anyway, I was doing my stuff and she came home and said I couldn’t use her desk without permission and gave me half an hour to clean everything up. I was so freaked out trying to hurry and I dropped a bunch of things on the floor and just started sobbing. I think it eventually turned into wailing. I don’t know how else to describe the sound. I spent the night dusting things. And obsessing over how much makeup I have to use up. (I can’t throw it away, even expired because then it would sit it the landfill for the rest of time. I actually get images of that. I was trying to clean up and organize the piles of things on the makeup desk and I had to use her desk cause there was no space. I feel like no matter what I do to try and improve things, I just make things worse.

I don’t know what happened to the hurt feeling. Is it gone or am I just really distracted? I don’t know but it’s not really hanging around these past couple days. Ohhhh, is that what that means? Your love for a lie? Cause I asked you not to lie if you did do it? Hang on, I need to reread that letter.

I’m still perplexed. What are you choosing between? Yourself and me?

Then my answer is simple. Choose you. You’re much more important. I don’t want you to destroy yourself for me. But wait, that doesn’t make sense either. Why would you be wrestling with this now? You have all the time in the world, I promise. I’m not going anywhere. I’m so confused and now I need to check what I wrote to see if I’m missing something.

Hmm...my brain is working overtime to try and figure this out but I’m just spinning. :s

Is saying sorry really difficult for you? Is that why you feel you’re being forced? Or you never wrote that story and you feel completely misjudged by me? I’m sorry. I hate being misjudged. I was never sure but I figured it was you because of the similarities. Maybe I overthought it and drew the wrong conclusion? Oh no. :(

I’m sorry. I can’t tell anymore whats you and what’s not and after being hurt by people, I guess I’m just unable to judge what people are capable of? :/ Looks like I’m developing trust issues... :s

Are we becoming one and the same? I have issues where I don’t feel tired when I really should and stay up too late. Trust issues...what else? Am I gonna pick up writing? Hahahaha Lust has taken over me already so yeah it’s close.

How bizarre (heh).

I’m sorry if you didn’t write the story. I’m sorry if you did too. I’m just sorry.

(I listened to a concert from Cigarettes After Sex last night. From a year ago. It was lovely and the polite clapping I found hilarious. Anyway, i felt so soothed after and more importantly I thought of you with every lyric.)

God I love you and I’m so sorry if I turned your world upside down right before New Years. I’m so sorry. :’( And then vanished with no peep. I’m sorry.

Were you not able to correct me?

I guess I didn’t know how to deal with the possibility of dying so I distracted myself to the max with an obsession? I don’t really know what I was doing, I just did what my brain asked (not really, I have no idea ever how to explain how I know what ocd wants me to do. It’s not a voice telling me what to do or anything. It’s very complicated). I’m sorry I didn’t think about the possibility that it wasn’t you. :( I should have.