Anxiety

Yesterday was really hard. I expressed to my partner that I felt hungover. He told me that I have said this exact thing after a social event. I thought it was interesting how I experienced the same thought processes and anxiety that I did on the mornings after a hardcore drinking night. The difference between yesterdays anxiety and the anxiety I felt on hangover mornings is that I did not have alcohol in my system to create a buffer.

It was extremely challenging to combat my anxiety. My regular tools were ineffective. I just sat in a whirlwind of fear that I had done or said the wrong things. That I had unknowingly hurt people I care about. I told my friend who said that her husband thought I was a good representative for the head table. I thought that was very kind of him to say. I hadn’t considered that sitting at that table was an honor though it also meant that I needed to behave in a way that represented my boss well. (I think all of this is very silly. Head table. Representing things by sitting at such tables. Smh. In my eyes, I was just sitting with my head. I had no idea such politics would be involved. Though I did feel them throughout the night at times. I suppose those are the moments that I felt panicked about.)

My friend also told me that someone said they had seen us walking together and thought we looked like ancient vampires. I got a chuckle out of that. My friend was wearing a black blazer, tailored black pencil pants and a front-tie black shirt with crystal and skull jewelry. She wore her bouncy wavy thick blonde hair down and wore her cool aviator glasses. She looked rad if I do say so myself. I wore a black velvet dress with a lace chest piece, patterned stockings, knee high socks and Mary Jane’s. I wore my houndstooth coat and red lipstick. I guess we did look pretty vampiric. I have loooong black hair and decently pale skin. It checks out. And it’s flattering af. lol.

It didn’t help with my anxiety though. Eventually, I took magnesium and it knocked me out. I woke up after sleeping for four or five hours and I did feel better. I wasn’t sure if I could manage socializing with my partner so I made an attempt to stay in bed but it was time to get up. I made he and I a snack tray with veggies, cheese, nuts and crackers. I ate that for dinner and he finished the spicy tofu I made on Friday. Occasionally, the anxiety crept in but it was easier to manage it at that point.

I have to figure that exhaustion plays a really bud part in managing my anxiety. I often feel that people think I am inflexible for being so protective of my sleep but this is why. My tools are weakened when I don’t get enough sleep. I am a victim to my own thoughts and it chips away at me until I cannot function.

Tonight is the phantogram concert and I am very excited. I am going with M and E; girls night! Woohoo! Part of me wanted to go alone. I wanted to enjoy the music without anyone thinking I am weird. But I suppose that going with friends is safer. We have yet to pay down our plans. I intend to buy a few phantogram shirts. I intend to enjoy myself to maximum capacity. I have been waiting soooo long to see them. It’s going to be great.

My partner made an off handed remark about how I want to swoon for the band and I thought that was ick. After all of this time, shouldn’t he know that it’s just about the music for me? I really wish that men didn’t do this. It’s very frustrating to me.

He has been attempting to make bids for romantic connection. I have been rejecting them or shutting them down. There is so much in the way of romance between us. He has been helping with the dishes. He communicated that it’s easy for him to do the dishes but not very easy for him to put them away. Yesterday, I put the dishes away and he did them and we went to bed with a clean kitchen. It was nice. Though chore allocation does contribute some to the chasm between us… there is so much more. I just can’t do that with him right now.

Sometimes I feel very lonely in this respect. I sometimes forget that I am in an actual relationship. Not because I am seeking a connection with someone else; but rather… I feel that this is dead for me. It sounds dramatic but similarly to how I am treating my good times tour, I just feel that the people in the world are too broken. I have emotional needs that most people simply cannot provide. Most cannot even provide the bare minimum if I am being honest about it. I don’t want to spend an already stressful period of time in conflict with someone that is supposed to be safe. Besides all of that, I am bonded to my partner. The thought of being separated from him makes me so sad. I feel that I am his protector. He has not let anyone into his intimate life for 12 years. Before me, he was truly finished. But he decided to reveal himself to me and I don’t make light of that. He allows me to push him more than he lets other people push him. He takes care of me too. I have freedom to do what I want. He doesn’t try to censor my behavior. He doesn’t try to corral me. He accepts my different moods and needs. He understands that I need to spend my free time making art and he supports it. He accepts our differences and doesn’t try to change me for his betterment. I love him so much. I can’t think of a better partner to have.

Anyway, it’s almost time for work. …… phantogram concert tonight 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 I am unreasonably excited. I am going to spend the entire day reviewing their collection of music. They can pull their set from any album and I have to be prepared. I bet they will play the majority of their set from their new album though I secretly hope that they play a few of their classics. Yayyyy!!!!!!