It's Time

I didn't mean to procrastinate this long, the plan was 8pm, but the terror comes in waves. I was also exhausted today, I took so many naps. Doesn't make sense with what I have planned, but there's no reason to question things at this point. I cleaned somewhat, but not to the extent that I wanted. I wanted to mop the floors first, but I'm just too tired. Everything is prepared, I just have to settle myself first.

There was one last thing I wanted to do today, but of course it was an awful experience, didn't even get what I wanted, as to be expected for my last day. I wasn't upset, it was just more confirmation that getting anything, irrespective of how small, is just seemingly impossible for me for some reason. It makes no sense, but I suppose it never did.

I have less thoughts than I thought I would. I have less feelings than I thought I would. Do I have any regrets? I regret Not doing this sooner, I wish I would have taken the plunge as a teenager. Life did not get better in any capacity. My work amounted to nothing, and in the end I couldn't even financially support myself the cost of living outpaced all life circumstances. It never got better, nothing worked out. It was just poverty and exhaustion. I did live life with 'integrity' never took advantage of anyone, never exploited anyone's affection for me. So I'm not leaving with any guilt or wishes that I could have done something better. I never had the means, the resources, or valuable connections to navigate through this experience. Never left the country, never owned property, never owned a pet as an adult, never got to travel to the extent that I wanted to. I'm so incredibly grateful that I never had children, never wanted them, but boy am I happy that I never subjected anyone else to this hellscape against their will.

I probably made the mistake of making my life smaller to survive. I thought working longer hours, having discipline and depriving myself would eventually pay off. It never did. My world just got smaller, possessions became non existent, and even the little things that I depended on for appreciation began to disappear and lose meaning. The hope of things getting better was just a delusion that allowed every ounce of my life force to be harvested away.

I'll sit for a few more minutes, take a shower, and then it's time. The fear comes in waves, but I'm looking forward to finally have relief. I will not be homeless and that's all that matters.