Taking a break, and not because I *want to*

Welp, here I am again. Been telling myself more and more lately, that this won't have a happy ending probably, if I keep it up.. (I'm fine! well.... "Fine, sort of")

I need to stop or at least have some time off of this... amazing thing that is goooning

If I don't, here's what'll happen, probably:

I'll lose my job for sure, few have pushed their luck more than I have and gotten away with it. Losing my only income would make things.... Really fucking shitty. Not to mention the alienation and JUDGEMENT from friends, colleges and family that'd ensue. Not saying it wouldn't be justified, just... Not fun.

Additionally, my appointment in a few months will be cancelled and I will NOT be allowed to see a doctor in order to get proper medication down the road.(ADHD, was just diagnosed. Yeey.) That appointment has... really been my goal for the last three years or so, I just haven't been able to see it as that.

The thing that came up in my head couple of days (or weeks) ago, that I touched on [in channel/server I can't remember right now], was something along the lines of "wait.... this whole thing feels very.... samey? um....?"

BOOM. Existential crisis. Again.

Prior to that, I felt that I had a solid escape in not having to deal with my own head on workdays, if I can just COMPLETELY phase out on the weekends. This made me think that if I just keep slamming the gas pedal, something good will come of it. (Like an onlyfans? Jeez, I'm kinda thankful that that impulsive idea didn't bear fruit...) Nothing probably would though, but I'd just be deeper down the spiral.

Sooooo I reckon I only have one option currently: get clean, or at least way cleaner so that I won't have the stress of being forced into that mindset later on when the psych care happens to be able to help me.

Thought that popped up right now: it'll be hard. And I know why... It'll be really shitty not having that stupid&horny stress vent. Since I've overdone it so much lately, weekends will be... Not fun, to say the least. and I KNOW I can't do one thing (porn) without the other (st*mulants) and vice versa.

Haven't really felt that... I don't know.. Urge to hook up in a long time either. Not sure why, but I'm guessing that I deep down don't want to keep pushing my luck. Or I'm just content with the gratification I get from servers like this one.

No real excitement during this session, either. mostly just self loathing and what ifs... "what if I'd STOPPED doing all this when I said I had. Years ago?" "What if that crush of mine found out about all this, how the FUCK would I explain?!?" "How could i look my family members (and no I don't have kids) in the eyes ever again?"

Mind you (or more like "mind myself", really), I don't think I'm quitting, cold turkey like. Not yet anyhow. But instead of slamming the aforementioned gas pedal, I gotta try at least looking for the breaks. Good start would be to not hype up st*m use and porn the entire week, and... go absolutely batshit-- yeah you can probably guess.

I've tried proof reading this over and over but new unfiltered thoughts just starts popping up in my head, so I'll stop here.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I had to get it off my chest. English is hard and my head is NOT very coherent right now, so sorry for the rambling.

Thanks y'all and take care of yourselves <3

Rambling, tired lunatic out :v: