I (26M) haven’t spoken to my Dad (49M) in 4 years

Disclosure, I apologise that this is so long but it’s necessary for me to attempt to make sense of the situation. I’m describing a mentally and emotionally fragmented piece of my life, i’ll do my best to string this together as coherently as possible.

I haven’t spoken to my Dad in 4 years. This is something I think about every day and find difficult to navigate internally. Naturally, we stopped speaking on messy terms.

The estrangement began with the dissolution of my parents marriage when I was 18 years old. I lived with my Dad for two years and it was the most chaotic period of my life. My daily routine consisted of going to work a difficult, underpaid, semi-skilled warehouse job (which I had to take on in lieu of higher education due to pressure from my Dad and financial struggles), coming home and doing a range of chores, then drive for 20 minutes each way to help my sister clean a rented stable for a horse she was bought, then I would come home and get stoned out of my mind.

My Dad and I argued on a daily basis, to the point of almost having physical fights (it luckily never came to that). My first year living with him consisted of the mentioned routine before my situation deteriorated further.

Second year, I secured student finance (UK) and went back to education, but had not dealt with any of my pent up emotional struggles and ended up partying hard, and dabbling in harder party drugs on a weekly basis to the point where I’m now sure I verged a drug induced psychosis. Amidst all of this, I was being ostracised by my Dad at the mere notion of getting in contact with my mum. I would effectively be punished for contacting her by having to listen to all of the terrible things she done during their marriage and had to listen to vulgar names about her (predominantly - she drunkenly kissed another man). In a precarious state, part of me was convinced of some of these things (disillusionment). I would’ve been kicked out of my dad’s house and spent numerous nights with nowhere to sleep. This led me to gradually regain contact with my Mum and get a glimpse of her perspective of him (equally poor, she was convinced he was a psychopath) - for some time, I was in contact with both of them but they both implied adamantly that I had to ‘pick a side’.

The dynamic left me seriously conflicted internally. I was in the hot seat of the resultant turmoil from their 20 something year too late divorce.

During that time, I discovered my Dad was addicted to cocaine. This caused paranoid delusions - as an example, his moods would change rapidly and he would often come to me at 3am in the morning telling me that I was wanted by drug dealers or paramilitaries (of which I’ve never done anything to be involved with).

Consequentially, the arguments between myself and my Dad escalated. The last time we spoke, we both told each other we were going to kill one another. I moved in with my mum, had another terrible ~year of arguments with her, a lot of which can be blamed on the monstrosity I had transpired into and drug habits. The only contact I’ve had with my dad since that time was a birthday card the same year where he simply wrote ‘proud of ye.’

The contrast to all of the situation with my Dad is, despite all of his failures (not to dismiss mine) I remember having a good Dad as a kid. He prioritised tough love and definitely instilled some damaging beliefs and ideas in me, but he was mostly a good Dad and ultimately I can remember seeing him trying to do good. Before he and my mum broke up, he found his best friend dead in horrifically graphic circumstances, subsequently my mum disclosed the drunken kiss she had with another man, and both of his parents passed within a 4 year period.

My sister has a much better relationship with my Dad. I’m somewhat close with her (she lives in Liverpool and goes to uni there), but struggle to get any insight on the situation from her.

I’ve been on a regimented self improvement journey for the past ~3 years. I live with my girlfriend and stay at my mums house weekly, both of whom I have a good relationship with. I’m studying a masters in engineering. I’m obsessed with learning and improving on a daily basis (of course, it’s not linear but in hindsight I am an entirely different person). I’ve also discovered Im autistic (suspected AuDHD) and am evolving into the person I feel I was always meant to be (through deep self reflection and painful accountability ultimately).

I want to contact my Dad. I’ve thought about writing a letter but I just don’t know. The fact he hasn’t even tried to text me in 4 years leaves things unresolved. I’m an entirely different person. I don’t know if he even wants to contact me. Generally, there’s just a lot of confusion and ambiguity around the situation.

If you’ve taken the time to read all of this, I greatly appreciate it.

TL;DR - estranged relationship with father, messy circumstances that led to transpiration, should I reach out?