"Remember the good times?"

I saw a post here about a week ago asking people to share their positive experiences with alcohol. My first reactions were, "that doesn't belong here! that could be a dangerous way of thinking. what is this person trying to rationalize? what kind of question is that?"

Then I realized I couldn't think of a single good memory that was not overshadowed by negativity from the next day. I could remember the interesting stranger I met at the bar, but my memory of having a headache and lying in bed with anxiety the next day was stronger. I could remember raising shots with people for only a moment before I remembered the fear I felt waking up without any of my personal belongings. Even mildly enjoyable times with alcohol now easily appear as depressing moments that contributed to patterns of behavior that sustained my mental un-wellness for years.

I have developed this mental muscle of forcing consideration of the consequences, and it has helped me eliminate impulsive and reckless behavior from my life. But I want to know if I possess the ability to simply remember any good times with alcohol. So I place the question on my subconscious backburner.

Today I have had a great morning. I listened to some music, finally read a few pages of a book and breakfast is good. And I can remember sitting down in front of the TV to play Fallout: New Vegas with a couple six-packs of Texan beer. Those were good times.

What strikes me about this memory is that it does not illicit any cravings for alcohol. Instead I find myself looking at the components of what I was doing back then. I analyze the feelings I was having. At the time I did not necessarily want to be drunk, or unconscious, even though I would soon be blacked out. Most parts of drunkenness were unpleasant or dangerous for me. Even so, when I sat down with enough beer for the night in the house I felt safe. I felt like I was handling my responsibilities like an adult and rewarding myself like one. I felt grown up, mature, and like I was on a good path that afforded me opportunities to connect with other adults. I felt like I was safe from criticism and judgement. I felt confident that I had done my best for the day.

It's interesting to look at how I still value many of the same things today. I want safety, maturity, responsibility, and I do not want judgement. The way I seek out the experiences I want to have is completely different than it used to be. My awareness of what tools exist to assist me in which ways has exploded compared to what it once was. My relationship with the external things in my life has changed. I have a direction now, or a direction has me, and these things exist to help in ways that I choose. They do not have control over me. I am not as influenced by my traumas in subconscious and inconsistent ways.

If all drinking alcohol did was help me express my values, my only task would be to drink all the time. Since drinking it actually works against my values most of the time, and has addictive qualities that override my good sense, my task is to avoid it completely. I want to keep the ability to remember, without shame, what it was like to drink. The parts of myself that were very loud and desperate then are still with me. Now I am grateful to have a different way of listening to them.