I can’t feel safe anywhere…

I don’t get to feel safe in life, in this world. I don’t get to feel safe in my community. I don’t get to feel safe in my home, in my bedroom. I don’t get to feel safe with my family and friends, my partner being an exception to this mostly, but internally, I’m still never safe.

I don’t get to feel safe in my own body. I don’t even get to feel safe in my MIND because I don’t exactly have a great track record when it comes to keeping myself safe, and I also get flashbacks, and weird physiological reactions that feel awful, and are so distressing and confusing. Severe dissociative symptoms, self-destructive tendencies, nightmares, panic attacks… It feels like my body is rejecting “me” (whomever that may be).

I’m constantly tense and on edge, my nervous system is alight and I’m bursting out of my skin, constantly aware of myself, my thoughts, my actions, the behaviour of others, the slightest, most “benign” details of my environment.

I can’t trust myself or feel safe in own reality and it’s not fair.

I didn’t ask for any of this.

All I want is to be able to feel fully safe and at home, preferably permanently, but I’d take even the occasional short break to offer some sort of respite.

I am so, so scared all the time, and half of that time, I can’t even pinpoint why, at least not without shaming myself for overreacting and “pretending” I have any real sort of problems.

That’s really all I want. Safe. Just that word alone would be enough.

I don’t understand what’s so wrong with me that I can’t have that??? It’s like I’m so broken beyond repair that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never really be able to fix that, and the more supposed “healing” and “processing” I do, the worse, and more intense and inescapable, it seems to become???

I’m sorry for the rant I just really needed to get that out of my system. I feel like I haven’t even been through anything that bad to warrant all this but it’s so bad and only getting worse, and I need to just know I amn’t crazy???

Sorry and thank you all for reading. I hope this day is treating you all as kindly as possible <3