gothgossip

I’ve been (pretty much) clean from self harm for over two years now. I still get urges to do so. Right now, they’re really strong. I know I can’t break my sobriety, but it’s the only thing in my mind that gives me THAT level of release? It’s all I want to do right now. Does the desire to respond with self harm to sadness, anger, self loathing, overwhelmed, flashbacks, dissociation, literally anything, ever go away? I feel like a prisoner always trying to fight against these urges. Healthy coping skills, doing the work, therapy, general life and mental health improvements… yet I still want to destroy myself.

Lately I’ve been getting so jealous of “normal” people. And I know, no one is normal and we all have our issues. I’m primarily talking about people without complex trauma or an array of serious mental illnesses and symptoms.

Does anyone else get quite jealous of “normal” people? Like how they can just function and navigate the world with greater ease and less pain than those of us with trauma disorders and other mental illnesses?

I feel horrible because I wouldn’t wish the extent of my issues on anyone, but I want what they have so, so badly, that it hurts.

Knowing that no matter how hard I seem to try, I can’t have it, just because my past has sort of changed the way my mind and

I’m really not sure what to do. My dad (60s M), and I (21F) have a complicated relationship but love each other very much. I moved countries with my mam as a child, so my dad and I would have phone calls, email, etc. to stay in touch, and I’d see him when travelling back to my home country.

I love him but at some point idk why, I started to be unable to push through the fear and stress and just anxiety of contacting him. Usually I’d be able to, but at some point, I had another breakdown where some people I know said some negative things about him, and I stopped feeling able to push through and contact him. It all sort of snowballed from there. I missed my brother’s (dad’s side) birth

I feel so lonely rn it’s like I can feel it in every part of my body. It hurts.

I keep telling myself that if I’m lucky, I won’t wake up. I always wake up. I’m not sure I can handle an indefinite number of days, weeks, months, years, decades of this.

Life seems so incomprehensibly long and painful. I feel so alone. Every time i thought it would get better, it just comes crashing down again.

Maybe it’s better than it was but please tell me that better or more manageable or progress isn’t the end of it.

Do I actually get to be happy? Do I actually get to feel whole? Do I ever get to feel safe and fully loved and secure?

I am really struggling to keep doing this. I just can’t. I want a break for ages just an endless sleep. I want more. I want life to

I got broken up with. I sincerely did think my former partner and I were forever. He made a lot of promises and commitments to me during one point in life and now that his circumstances have changed, he can’t follow through. I would’ve been willing to compromise or wait until we could work on a solution together, but at some point, his feelings towards me changed or weren’t enough to make Us a priority anymore.

I just went to find some of my old writing stored in the cloud today. I cannot find any of it. All of my writing, my entire life’s work, is gone. I don’t have copies of all of my work saved elsewhere, just some of it. I may never be able to get it back. It might seem like

i have to wait for the dough to chill so i’m just chilling in the meantime-

I can’t handle the constant fear. I can’t handle the shame and self-disgust. I can’t handle always having to be on my toes and watch my behaviour, hyper-analyse every interaction, be uncertain as to whether I’m right to feel like a boundary of mine has been crossed when interacting with a man, or if I’m just exaggerating.

It’s like I’ve been programmed to constantly doubt myself and excuse men causing me discomfort, pain, fear, etc. simply by virtue of my gender.

I have never had a moment in my life where this wasn’t the case. I feel so scared, and dirty, and paranoid, and shameful, and weak, and diminished all the time and I don’t think I can get to stop because it’s constantly bei

I’m sorry everything is just really bad rn. I am so, so dissociated pretty much constantly these past few days, everything is painful and exhausting. I feel so disgusting and dirty and wrong and ruined and bad and i can’t feel safe and i amn’t safe anywhere at all, even in my own home, because even though the people i live with love me they have their own issues too and can be very triggering and i’m constantly getting scared and triggered and sometimes i feel like maybe i’m n right to not feel great about how they sometimes treat me and being in this quite “complicated” and scary environment. and i’m just thinking of all the bad things happening again i’d making me feel so nauseous and sc

TW: potential emotional abuse.

I would legitimately prefer someone just be outright cruel and aggressive towards me than deal with this any longer. It’s such a trigger for me, it leads me to second-guess whether or not i’m judging the situation correctly, am right to feel hurt and targeted, have done something to warrant their behaviour and the awful feelings that it causes to arise within me…

Why can’t people just be direct? If you have a problem, address it with me directly, if you don’t and are just projecting your frustrations onto me, please don’t.

Of Dreams and of Waking…

Of dreams,

and of waking,

and of strawberry fields on somnolent vacation,

behind my lover’s eyes.

Of home, and of safety;

A bookshelf,

dog eared copies of escapist daydreams of youth

in days of make believe.

The prenatal cocoon,

a blanket with a little doll nestled beneath

encased in the comfort and warmth

of her lover’s arms…

Kintsugi:

Not quite fractured;

Not quite whole.

Beautiful, nonetheless…

I often allow my fantasies to bloom,

native flora in our garden

fostering a host of humbled bees

bumbling about their business.

Erupt,

in rose-lipped petals,

flushes of warmth,

these flutterings of love so dear t

I (21f) have been having nightmares every night for at least two weeks. They aren’t specific memories of my traumas but they have recurring themes that link to the types of trauma I have experienced, potentially some of which I don’t remember, according to my therapist.

It’s been getting to the point where I’m scared to sleep because I know what’s waiting for me. I’m so tired all the time but I can’t handle these awful nightmares, waking up in a panic, unsure of what was just in the dream and what actually happened in reality, constantly getting triggered, etc.

I feel like the more I delve into processing and identifying my trauma, and after my therapist confirmed some of my suspicions

I don’t get to feel safe in life, in this world. I don’t get to feel safe in my community. I don’t get to feel safe in my home, in my bedroom. I don’t get to feel safe with my family and friends, my partner being an exception to this mostly, but internally, I’m still never safe.

I don’t get to feel safe in my own body. I don’t even get to feel safe in my MIND because I don’t exactly have a great track record when it comes to keeping myself safe, and I also get flashbacks, and weird physiological reactions that feel awful, and are so distressing and confusing. Severe dissociative symptoms, self-destructive tendencies, nightmares, panic attacks… It feels like my body is rejecting “me