Source
r/CPTSD_Sisterhood•
gothgossip

I can’t handle being a woman in this world

I can’t handle the constant fear. I can’t handle the shame and self-disgust. I can’t handle always having to be on my toes and watch my behaviour, hyper-analyse every interaction, be uncertain as to whether I’m right to feel like a boundary of mine has been crossed when interacting with a man, or if I’m just exaggerating.

It’s like I’ve been programmed to constantly doubt myself and excuse men causing me discomfort, pain, fear, etc. simply by virtue of my gender.

I have never had a moment in my life where this wasn’t the case. I feel so scared, and dirty, and paranoid, and shameful, and weak, and diminished all the time and I don’t think I can get to stop because it’s constantly being proven to me, time and time again, that as a woman, I am not safe, I am not allowed a comfortable life, I cannot trust men, etc. in this world.

Sorry I just needed to vent and I feel like I really can’t tell anyone this. Does this make sense? Does anyone here have a similar experience?

Thank you for reading and wishing you all comfort and healing ❤️‍🩹

Posted Feb 24, 2023, 1:24 PM UTC

3012
melonoatmeal•

this makes total sense to me and i feel the same way. i wish i had advice but i just want you to know that i understand the feeling and you’re not the only one who feels this way.

11
gothgossipOP•

thank you for taking the time to read and comment. i’m sorry you’re also going through this but it does help to know i amn’t alone. thank you again 💜🌼

5
jellybeanzxx9•

I feel this so hard. Every second I find myself trying to justify my own existence. It feels like constantly having to prove something. Every single woman I know knows what it's like to be close friends with a man only to find out they're a predator. I know more women than not who've been assaulted. And it feels like I can't even bring it up without someone jumping in and just making it about men.

7
gothgossipOP•

legitimately, it’s beyond heartbreaking. essentially every single woman i know has dealt with assault/abuse or harassment. i amn’t even surprised when someone tells me their story anymore, it’s like we’re targeted simply for existing and it’s so scary and horrible. i’m really sorry you experience this too, and for all of us really. thank you for sharing this and taking the time to do so 💞

7
DreamSoarer•

I’m so sorry you feel this way, too. You’re not alone, and I completely understand. I don’t go anywhere alone anymore… I always have my trusted sibling or a friend with me, and if I have to be somewhere alone for a bit, I often wear my ear buds to listen to music, wear sunglasses to prevent eye contact, and simply do not interact with anyone unnecessarily - while being hyper-vigilantly aware of my surroundings. I dislike having to enact such rigid boundaries, but this is what the world has shown me I have to do in order to stay safe. 🙏🏻🦋

4
gothgossipOP•

thank you your was really thoughtful. and it’s true it’s like hard to want to open myself up to the world when time and time again it’s proven to be unsafe, hostile, etc. i’m really sorry you’re dealing with that hypervigilance and having to always be so strict when it comes to interacting with the world too. it’s really draining just being so scared and on edge all the time. i hope we can both one day have some sense of safety and security, even if it’s just in one small place in life. again thank you so much 🤍🕊️

5
white-knight-owl•

I lived in this constant state of fear. It's a little better now. This is what helped me (and may not work for others). I started martial arts and took every self defense training that I could afford in my area (even found free ones). Not to say that I'm not still hypervigilant, I just feel I have some of my power back. Especially the self defense taught me how to asses situations and practical advice.

I also still wear a mask. I don't have to interact with people in public (they assume I'm sick, because only the elderly are wearing masks 🤷🏿‍♀️)

I wish we could live in a world that felt safer. I wish (the collective ) we could go have fun in the world without (figuratively or literally) having to be prepared for bad things to happen.

I wish girls were taught that it's okay to say no (actually school curriculum). That SA was treated with kindness towards the survivor and very long jail time for the perpetrator (even if he's "just a boy - have their whole life ahead of them - the husband- the boyfriend) They have to stay in prison until the survivors PTSD is healed.

4
gothgossipOP•

thank you that’s a good suggestion tbh. i’ve always wanted to learn some sort of self defence but am scared and very shy about trying any sort of physical/sports thing. i think it would help me though to have a greater sense of agency and security in my ability to look out for myself in a fundamentally unsafe world. also, i wish that too. it isn’t often enough that our parents, family, community, etc. teach us all that, so i wish that schools did at least. i wish that this world treated us all more kindly, and that my fear really was an overreaction that isn’t actually warranted in the day-to-day. thank you for your comment and i’m glad you’ve found some things that are helping you 💞

1
dominosthincrust•

This does make sense, and you aren't alone in these feelings. I also feel like I have zero people I can express feelings like these to in my life. It is so isolating, and I wish there was a space for us to heal. I am grateful for this subreddit, although it isn't terribly active.

2
gothgossipOP•

likewise. i have some people who look out for me and care and all but when it comes to stuff like this, stuff that’s so constant and hard to articulate unless you’ve been there, i just can’t. i’m really thankful to have found this community recently as well, hopefully it picks up a bit more traction for sure. thank you for your comment and for being part of here 💞

2
SamathaYoga•

What you wrote about feeling programmed to accept men crossing our boundaries, at best, to the point of abuse, at worst, really resonates with me. There’s much I’m still unpacking about the ways my Mother put me into harm’s way, towards predatory men, sometimes intentionally.

Sending you comfort and support. ❤️‍🩹

2
gothgossipOP•

thank you for sharing it really does help to have such an outpouring of support and knowing that i amn’t alone in this, even though it’s horrible knowing how much of a common experience it is. thank you again and likewise, i wish that for you too 💜🪷

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
gothgossipOP•

thank you 💞

1
ANSWarrior•

Let’s all watch “The Power” on Amazon Prime! I found it very cathartic and damn, do I want it!!!

1
gothgossipOP•

i’ll check it out! thank you so much 🩷

1