Posting Here Simply to Hear What Others Think and Vent

I found out my wife filed for divorce today. I knew things had gotten bad so I started looking into firms and the first firm I called rejected me over conflict of interest. I knew right away what that meant. I was not looking to file for divorce just start to get help or advice since we were agreeing to try therapy first.

Two things you need to know up front. 1: We have a 21 month old baby. 2: I have never touched her in anger. I have never hit, pushed, slapped or even blocked her path. I have yelled at her 4 or 5 times in the 6 years we've been together. She has yelled at me well into the hundreds.

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Her legitimate grievances:

I got fat, leading to a lack of intimacy, leading me to be unhappy with a lack of intimacy and you see the circle here.

I struggle with alcohol. Due to physical pain and loss I pretty much became an alcoholic, but I joined fight camp, took up bjj, have a home gym setup and I'm focusing on work/business. I don't do the hard stuff, never have, just beer and before the incident that lead us here I had actually dropped the booze. I had gone days without drinking and was on a good track.

I contest this one, but apparently I hold money over her. I believe it is my duty to care for her. She is disabled, she could work, but it triggers seizures because of the stress so we made a pact that she takes care of the house and I make the money. However I also pay her child support from a previous marriage along with everything else. I want to talk about how I don't feel appreciated and about how paying that child support to a guy who is just using it for drugs kind of hurts me. She explodes if I even touch on it.

I have anger issues. I am in therapy and I know this one. Because the world is not a certain way that I want it to be I get mad, according to my therapist. I get mad at other drivers, I got really mad at the DMV ladies, if someone is stupid I get mad and if I am drinking then she picks a fight I dont know when to stop being mad. I also dont let her cool down cause I want to keep talking or arguing etc. I was also in the army so I am dealing with some of that which does make me angry.

Im not adventurous enough with sexual stuff. Kind of funny because I thought the same thing of her. I bought a sex game, asked her to do some exercises to explore stuff etc. Ive made several efforts. So we both think the other is boring, that sucks and she wont hear my side. I think Im not dominate enough. Im more of an asker and less of a taker where she kind of wants to be handled roughly, which I am open, but I need to be shown the way. Super conservative upbringings dont just go away.

When we first met she had really bad hygiene. Her big sister was an influence and she has horrible meth teeth. My wife actually told me she was going to let her teeth rot out and get false ones surgically to which I put an immediate stop and reversal. Shes since has gone to a dentist, gotten a cleaning, gotten antibiotics and prescription everything. She also didnt shower, even today shell go to the gym, come home change clothes and go out to eat or something then shower at night. Or even worse say shes tired and will shower the next night. She originally wouldnt shower for 3 days to a week. Cant win them all. Other more intimate areas also needed attention. However I waited a long time to even touch on this, but apparently when I did it was a jerk move. Now she is holding that against me, but I thought I was helping.

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My grievances:

She cheated on me. Text came through on her car dashboard one night after dinner from a man I didnt know. Now Im not one to care, but her hiding talking to someone hurt. She used to never hide her phone from me and all was wide open no secrets then one day that phone became sacred and untouchable. She tried to say this guy is her best friend from several years before we met, except 6 years of knowing each other I never heard his name and never met the dude.

She does not work, does not cook or clean. Our agreement was she cares for the house I make the money. Ive hired maids or her mom will come visit and clean. Ive cleaned more than her. She doesnt even care for the baby. The baby will wake up at 7, but shell sleep until 11. I usually just go get the baby, but Ive timed this. Now its not everyday, but it happens. She tells the doctor she bathes the baby every other day, but she doesnt, Ive said stuff and now shes very aware of me tracking this stuff.

No intimacy. Not much to say here. I pay her child support from a previous relationship and I get hate in return. She rejects me. Ive never had BBs more than with her, or ever like this. Im scared to attempt to simply hold her hand.

The fact that I pay her child support from a previous marriage. I cant even talk to her about this before she starts screaming and just repeating something while yelling. I just want to talk about my feelings regarding the child support stuff. I feel like less of a man because of it. There is way more there like driving to get her kid which turned into me having to fly her kid 3 times per year. These days those flights are not cheap. This isnt a neighboring state situation this is me paying to fly them both 6 times both ways across half the US. I just want to talk about it. Spending over 10k per year or even more as prices rise is hard and impacts my retirement schemes.

I paid off all her debts not that long ago and now shes filing. She also got super fit, stopped wanting intimacy and is filing. She pushed me to get a house, to move to a new state where her family is. She was pushing hard to get added to all of my bank accounts. We have a joint account for the house and bills etc, but I have my own account that she kept trying to get on. She also really wanted on the mortgage, just through pure laziness that never happened.

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The Divorce:

She wants it all. She is going for the house, which is solely in my name, that I got with my VA loan. She wants my baby. She wants money. She was going to blind side me. She hasnt worked in a few years. She has a CPS case on her from years ago, its closed. She has a teenage son that she rejects because he is severely disabled. She lost him to CPS and a family member has custody. She has a daughter, the one I pay child support for, that she lost custody of to the father. Now shes coming for my baby.

I make a damn fair bit of money so I can fight for a long time. I have no idea who is financing her, our meager 15K shared account cant be what shes relying on. Her credit also cant be it. No fling boyfriend is going to pay very much and her family hates her. I make all the money and I am fine taking care of her if she would just talk to me. She must have something on me, but I cant imagine what apart from I said some mean stuff. I dont break the law or anything. I think my the fact that Ive struggled with depression and suicide is gonna get me. She said shell be using that against me along with my anger.

I am scared and hurt. I am a member of a fraternal order who is helping with attorneys and most of the judges in town are in some way affiliated with our brotherhood, but Im still so dang scared. I dont want this. Im not a POS I just have a lot to work on. Everytime I came to her she said Im not an F-ing therapist go talk to a therapist. I dont care about my money, my time or anything other than our baby. I dont want her to come from a broken home. I want her to be happy. I would do anything to be a better man or even a real man at this point. I am truly lost here.