Thoughts are just thoughts

Why do humans fear death more than anything else? There's nothing to fear. Death is natural, death is guaranteed, we must all return to the land. That's what I tell myself so I can stop thinking about it... but I can never stop thinking about it.

I imagine what it would be like for my mom to get a call about my death. I imagine my loved ones being heartbroken, what would they say gathered at my funeral? They wouolld be crushed... my eyes water as I think about it.

I imagine I get a phone call one afternoon. The caller says "I'm so sorry... your sister.... she died in a bus crash." My face crumples, my eyes burn, tears are about to flood from my eyes. But wait, it's just a thought, it's not real. Just because I'm thinking it, doesn't mean I want it to be real, right? That's what my therapist taught me.

Another day, I imagine it's my dad. I imagine walking in to the house to find him dead. A brain aneurysm, completely unknowable, his face blue and body cold. He died alone, without a chance to say bye. I clutch my heart at the sharp pain, I fall to my knees. Dad... dad! Dad is dead! I would feel so sad if this was real. I would wail loudly about this. I would grieve for years and years. I squint my eyes hard, to see if a little practice tear comes out.

Damn.. I can't deny it anymore. Thinking about death is so delicious. Maybe one day my thoughts will come true and I'll get to practice for real. I wonder who's going to die first.