The Hair on His Face [610]

Slightly edited version of an earlier submission because I wasn't exactly satisfied with the crits on that one.

NOTE: Please focus on the prose style. Sentence structure, adverb, metaphor, etc. That would help immensely.

And also flow. The narrative goes back and forth very quickly, so is there a "flow"? Where there parts which made you go "huh?" and you had to go back and read it again.

I'd be very grateful if you could speicifically focus on the above only. And of course, in line comments and edits on the docs would be the most appreciated of all.

Overall suggestions on how to improve are highly, highly welcome.

Thank you!

Link

Crit 1, 2