Memories, Crashes Etc.
Why is there always a
white Altima hydroplaning into traffic.
Why is there always
two wanton chickens and a wire hangar
antenna.
Why is there
there and here's a box of birthday candles
I haven’t touched in years.
Why is
an old toolbox emptied of its components
the saddest thing on earth.
Why
do subcompacts follow mountain curves
like blind fists.
Why is there always a
heart-shaped dish of coins
kept in fiscal equilibrium.
Why is there always
soft phlegm coughed up in the warm grottoes
of my jeans.
Why is there
here when I least want it, the stale fanfare
creeping up cruel as a rising river.
Why is
the house always dark. You
were here to follow me into rooms
and flip the switch. In these dim conditions
I may soon go blind, unable
to tell the sunlight from a pall.
Why
do I sometimes wake to the phantom
tremor of your breath parting the dark
grass of my eyes.
Posted Apr 5, 2023, 2:34 PM UTC · edited
I didn't even notice the first line progressively getting shorter with each passing stanza until the very end of the poem; a very subtle technique, but incredibly effective in adding to the overall theme.
While the title did lead me to expect a sort of scattered poem, rife with non-sequiturs, even with that it was a very hard switch from the first and second stanzas to the third. If this kind of hard transition was something you were going for (Again, in adding to the theme), then it works well. On the other hand, it might be too bewildering in a sense. Additionally, the motif of automobiles dropping off after the sixth stanza was odd just because it had recurred before; I'd consider maybe trying to include one more reference to cars just to balance it out, like contrasting the dark with headlights.
Also a couple of very minor nitpicks: part of the reason I didn't catch the omitting of words from the first line is due to line 12. I'd see how the stanza might look too short otherwise, but I think it could help the message of that particular stanza immensely. Additionally, the line "there and here's a box of birthday candles" is a little awkward, I'd suggest not making "here's" a contraction just so there's an emphasized difference between here and there.
Overall, an interesting poem that plays with something that could be seen as cliche and elevates it, but there are some changes I believe could add to the overall message.
These are some very good suggestions! Actually I did mean for line 12 to be on its own to follow that pattern but I must have forgotten to double-space there—thanks for catching that.