I really want to look like a girl! However..

I (17M) have always wanted to be a girl ever since I was little. I asked for things that were girly, I wore girly things while playing the drums in family Rock Band sessions at around 4, and I just think I'm myself whenever I don't resemble a man. I even like it when people mistake me as a girl, though it rarely happens- I just have shoulder-length hair and some naturally luscious eyelashes. I just wish my voice wasn't so deep and how uncomfortable it is to have balls and mountains of body hair.

So what's wrong with that? Well, many things, psychologically and culturally.

I'm too iffy about buying women's clothes and products. I really want to, but I know most of my family won't approve. My parents and maybe my Grandma aren't so closed-minded and are more "whatever makes you happy, just don't do anything major too quickly", but my sister expressed her confusion about trans people and never missed an opportunity to call me gay or a femboy. It's just jokes, sure, but I'm running out of responses to them. The gay part I'm not sure, but the "femboy" part I'm more confident with but the world wide web stereotypes them as cringey hookers which I am not lol

I'm still questioning if I like men... I don't think I'd mind being with a man to try it out, but I'm already with an amazing girl so that's out of the picture. The girl has expressed discomfort with me wanting to be a girl because she "doesn't want to see me differently" and that we'll have to split up if I explore further even though she's pansexual. Maybe her family won't like it?.. not sure. I'm still confused by it. When we're together she seems just as happy but less passionate now and I'm not sure if it's because of me.

As for other living circumstances, I live in a very right-wing gun-toting abortion-banning trans-slandering state called northern Idaho. Now, I wouldn't be so concerned about someone else's politics if it's biases didn't heavily influence the lawmakers and the culture. Idaho's trying to pass a bill that'll separate trans kids from their families and give their parents life in prison. Ummm... yeah not looking great

My high school is super politically influenced as well. Y'know, the military-influenced clothing rules and being considered disrespectful for not doing the same pledge every morning. I heard multiple teachers and the principal make jokes like "my pronouns are (insert pronoun that doesn't logically exist)" or "maybe I should dye my hair pink to relate to the kids".

I wish I could try stuff out without all the stress. All my life, from my ASD to my history of mental health-related struggles, I always feel like it's hard for people to really look at me beyond just their version of me, or for some to accept me at all with my downsides. I've always tried to improve, and I'm far better than a couple years ago, but I wish I could explore myself in a more fun adventurous way and I wish it wasn't so eyebrow-raising and anxious.