Do not make kinnow juice

Poem

You didn’t ask, but here it lies before you now

Kinnows ripe, succinct, awaiting desecration
Sliced at the rinds, pounded into the flesh
Citric spray coalesces, warps my vision, a tangy aroma lingers on
Dissuading all glimmers of positivity in this desolate verse

You bring a tray, couplets of cherries. I long for a mirrored embrace

I take the kinnow; pulp, seeds and all, in my grasp
Squeeze it dry, nails stained with earth's mildewed touch
Translucent nectar drips down my arm, a cascade
Like metaphors bleeding from this ill-conceived poem

Simultaneously, you blend off-season chaunsas into a milkshake

Besides a toppled crate of mangoes, you inquire, “Is this for me?”
This kinnow juice: “Yes, this labor of love concocted for you
Imperfectly just like I did for her, for whom, it was enough.”
You turn a blind eye to me and my zest sedimented fingertips
Continue to blend your frothing milkshake, forsake my bubbling juice
And as the Loo wind takes hold, a thought within me effervesces
The chilling refuge dwindles, leaving me parched and desperate
Summer is coming and I am running out of ice

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/13h13q7/mother_dearest_but_not_really_see_commented_pic/jk3eugj/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/13h34vy/afraid_to_write/jk38l2y/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&utm_content=1&utm_term=15&context=3

Posted May 14, 2023, 8:09 AM UTC

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pale-fruit•3 yr. ago

I loved that I had to meet this poem with some effort (via Google) to learn what kinnows and chaunsas are. There are a few really stellar moments in the poem:

"You bring a tray, couplets of cherries. I long for a mirrored embrace"

Love the idea of couplets of cherries and a desire to emulate them (with the subject).

Ending the poem with: "Summer is coming and I am running out of ice" is stark and final and really packs a punch for the reader. I think it is a really stunning final line especially when the narrator has been overflowing with buzzing thoughts throughout the poem.

I would work on this line: "Like metaphors bleeding from this ill-conceived poem". It feels a little too contrived or self-aware, and using the word "metaphor" while the line itself is actually a simile feels a little tricky--maybe it was deliberate, but I am not sure it comes across that way.

I really like the full journey of making the kinnow juice as it follows the story of the narrator's relationship to the other person and enjoyed the imagery throughout.

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