I wish that I was just a tad bit smarter

Granted, the monkey paw thinks you mean smart as in dressed nicely and all your clothes are replaced with fancy suits

Granted. You’re now smart enough to know how stupid you really are.

You tell the paw your wish. The finger curls, but you don’t feel any smarter. Weeks go by, but still nothings changed. Maybe you just didn’t realize you got smarter? You decide to enroll in college. Your grades are below average. Still stupid. But you made close Friends. You think of dropping out, but screw it, you’ll stay and hang out with your friends. There’s even this girl you’ve met. The first girl you’ve ever talked to. You like her, and she seems to like you. You want to ask her out, but it’s late now. You go to sleep and will ask her out in the morning. Suddenly, you wake up to the sound of sirens blaring and the smell of smoke. You realize there’s a fire and run out of your dorm. There’s screaming to your right. One of your friend is stuck under a support beam. You run towards him to help him, the heat is unbearable. Your friend screams, and screams as you pull. And suddenly stops. His face melted, his skin charred dark. You, too, are burned badly, full of pain. You run towards the exit, and collapse in front of it. You wake up in the hospital, covered in bandages. Your friends are dead. The college has burned down. All students pass with a bachelor degree. Who would have though that you would graduate? You really are smarter than we thought.

Granted. You find it easy to memorize all the countries and their capitals.

This has no practical purpose in your daily life and it has no measurable effect on your financial situation, but it at least makes for a neat party trick.

Granted, you now gain access to the hive mind of those with an equal intellect to yours. You are but a drone now, only living to follow orders

Granted. You gain a single iq point.

Granted,

You don't feel very different at first but you start making different choices as soon as the finger drops. Rather then buying popcorn at the movies you sneak in some of your own snacks. Rather then spending all of your savings you start putting some of it away in a retirement account. You start looking up what's the best way to wash your dishes rather than just going off the ads on the side of the dish container.

Very slowly all of these smaller upgrades than intelligence add up. You start to have a better saving, you spend less time cleaning, you do better at work and while you don't qualify for a promotion you certainly aren't at the top of the list for layoffs either.

You go to the dentist for your yearly check up, even though you would really rather skip, as preemptive care is the smarter thing to do. You dentist gets to talking with you, and while being in thrall with the conversation, he neglects to double check the last name.

He gets your x-ray mixed up with another patient, and notes that the x-rays shows major jaw problems that have to be fixed as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the worse it will get.

You are a smart person who gets the surgery done, and it goes horrible. The x-rays the dentist was working off of more of a different person which means that he is at a complete loss and ends up doing a horrible job. He cuts a nerve while trying to do the pointless surgery.

You live in constant pain, and even the painkillers that cloud your thinking don't do much to help. You spend most of you days in pain and wishing you were smart enough to have skipped going to the dentist appointment, however dumb that might be.

.......................................................................I wish I was a starter

I wish had boyfriend with a brain, who read Sartre

I wish I had a ocelot in a pot with grapeshot

and 2.4 Spartan

Granted, the finger curls.

You are at a cafe with your best friend. He is ordering coffee at the counter while looking at his phone.

He starts walking towards your table. As he gets close he says, "check this out" as he gestures to his phone.

Right before he reaches you, he trips and bashes his head on the corner of the table.

He is dead.

While dealing with the gushing blood from the corpse you notice his phone facing up. Through your tears you read: "The hashtag symbol is technically called an octothorpe"

You gain a bit of knowledge. You are a tad bit smarter.

Your brother creates a new invention. It's a machine that gives you intelligence. How nice! You put it on, and activate it.

3... 2... 1...

Done! You feel slightly refreshed, like your brain is running a tad bit faster. As this invention is yet a prototype, it's not very efficient, and can only increase your intelligence by a small amount. But hey, better then nothing, right?

But, now with your tad-bit-smarter brain, you wonder, 'where did this extra intelligence come from?'. The things you received must have come from somewhere, no?

You ask your brother this question, and he simply smiles.

'From other people, of course! Where else?"

He says this, almost as if it completely normal.

You freeze, and shudder. You look over at the machine once again, and now you realise it's been heavily used. Dents and scratches everywhere, and the inside materials all moist... things you didn't notice before but notice now. This definitely isn't the first time this machine has been used. Or the second, nor the third. You glance over to your brother once more.

"Of course, it's still a prototype. It's highly inefficient, both ways. It takes an average of 20 people's brains to be harvested for me to just get the knowledge of one... but I'm sure the more I use this, I'll become smarter and develop ways to improve it!"

Highly logical. Or perhaps, only logical. You stare into his eyes, and it's almost emotionless, almost as if he lost his own humanity. By using this machine over and over, his own morals have been corrupted and now he's nothing but a shell striving for more knowledge.

You clench your head, and scream.

Yet, he doesn't realise why you're in such despair.

Granted, the finger doesn't understand, and you know every little facts about toads

Granted, you are now a jellyfish

Granted. You know have a second brain belonging to a tadpole.

Sure. "Tad bit" is incorrect usage, since "tad" is a noun meaning "small amount", not an adjective which can modify the noun "bit". You mean "a little bit" or "a tad".

You are now a tad smarter.

Granted, you now know a little more about how to cook a turkey leg, not the whole turkey just the leg

Granted, you emerge into the light in a hospital. Your birth certificate says Atad Bitsmarter.

Granted.

You're now 4'11.

Granted, the Paw considers the word tad as something negative and so it lowers your intelligence.

Granted, you now have 80 IQ