I've been in a LDR with my boyfriend for five years and he wants me to move to his state (I can't afford college there) rather than him moving to mine because he doesn't want to leave his friends. Advice wanted...
Update: I decided to show him this thread. Maybe that was a bad idea. Here is part of the conversation that resulted.
Boyfriend: I'd say it's more on your side after reading all the comments
Boyfriend: but then again.. I'd say more girls read this than guys
Me: So it's a 'guy' thing?
Boyfriend: Someone in the thread says that girls have a harder time with no contact
Me: The person whose comment you agreed with (sistersunbeam) was a girl based on the username.
Boyfriend: Yeah
Boyfriend: I'm not saying it's COMPLETELY a girl thing
Boyfriend: There were just a lot of dumb 'girl' comments in there
Boyfriend: which swayed to your favor
Me: ...
Boyfriend: Also I noticed the same thing in people that you say
Boyfriend: People that don't grow up with friends for a long time have trouble comprehending how friends can be so important
Boyfriend: That's a bit scary and saddening how someone can look at friends as something you can just replace
Me: Not replace.
Boyfriend: The way a lot of the comments are.. is like that
Boyfriend: The most reasonable advice that's a common thread in all of this is that we should continue our college in seperate areas and figure out what we want to do after
Boyfriend: I'm not going to date people, but I assume you will
Boyfriend: Since you have a need for physical contact
Boyfriend: I'm not against moving to your state later for extended periods of time (Possibly even permanently)
Boyfriend: But.. like you are saying. Everyone will drift apart, so it would be a shame to not be with my best friends before that happens
Boyfriend: I don't
Boyfriend: If that's what has to happen, then that's fine
Me: 'that' meaning what?
Boyfriend: Us breaking up with the intention of trying to work something out later since clearly we connect very well and are lifelong friends (if not lovers)
Boyfriend: But.. like you are saying. Everyone will drift apart, so it would be a shame to not be with my best friends before that happens
Boyfriend: Also I disagree with a lot of people who say that childhood friendship is childish and immature
Boyfriend: that's so disheartening.. not even on an individual level but also on a level which displays a lot of problems in the modern world
Boyfriend: that we have become so focused on.. maturity and individualism that we lose sight of all sense of community and brotherhood
Boyfriend: so much that we consider life long friendship childish.
Boyfriend: that's just depressing
[end of update]
First, I should state that I am the one pressuring one of us to finally move. While he does want one of us to eventually move, he is okay with waiting an indefinite amount of time for it to actually occur. I feel like I'm dying for one of us to move because I'm really starting to resent feeling like I'm missing out on creating great romantic memories that require us being in-person together. I am so envious of real-life couples.
now for the details:
We are both in our mid-20's. We have visited each other many times and have lived under the same roof for whole summers, so we know we get along very well. However, I am getting tired of not having a constant in-person relationship and want one of us to move to the other's state. We are having lots of conflict about who should move where, though.
If he moved to my state, he would be able to afford going to college here because he receives lots of Financial Aid and because tuition is very cheap in my state. However, he does not want to move here -- ever -- because he doesn't want to leave his childhood friends behind.
Instead, he wants me to move for him. I would not be able to afford out-of-state tuition at all (literally over $1000/credit) at his city's university, so I would have to wait a year to gain residency before even thinking of attending college. Even after gaining residency, I would have to be working full-time and have to progress very slowly (3 classes max per semester) in order to afford it.
There is the option of waiting until I graduate from my local university. If college was out of the picture, I might consider moving there, but it would make me feel like a tool because he wouldn't do the same for me due to being so attached to his friends. I've never had such a close relationship to his friends like he has, though. He's had these friends since kindergarten, so they mean a lot to him. But it's as if he values them more than he values me, and I'm not sure if that's acceptable....
Also, I don't know if I would permanently move to his state and leave my family behind for him, so in a way, we are experiencing the same thing. I would leave my family behind temporarily for him (up to ten years), but ultimately, I feel it is more important for me to be close to my family, especially so I can let my parents be a big part in my future childrens' lives. So it goes both ways, except I'm at least willing to temporarily move, whereas he's not willing to move at all, and I feel this way about my family, whereas he feels this way about his friends. Strangely, he does not mind moving away from his family -- it's just his friends that he cares about sticking with. So, since I'm experiencing the same as him with my family, can I really blame him?
I guess my question is, how unreasonable (or not) is it for him to not want to move for me due to him having his friends in his city? Is it 'acceptable' for someone's friends to be so important that their significant other isn't the most important factor? Am I blameworthy for feeling kind of the same way as he does, but about my family?
TL;DR: In a LDR of 5+ years. We can't decide who should move to who's state. He doesn't want to move here because he doesn't want to leave his friends behind, and would not even do so temporarily. I don't want to move there because I'd have to delay college for a year and would leave my family behind, but would do so temporarily (as in up to 10 years) if necessary as long as I ultimately end up back home. Need advice/insight.
*I also posted this in AskReddit before being redirected here.
Posted Dec 2, 2012, 4:08 PM UTC · edited