Source
r/CPTSD•
gothgossip

I need it to get better soon (21F)

NSFWSpoilerTrigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation

I keep telling myself that if I’m lucky, I won’t wake up. I always wake up. I’m not sure I can handle an indefinite number of days, weeks, months, years, decades of this.

Life seems so incomprehensibly long and painful. I feel so alone. Every time i thought it would get better, it just comes crashing down again.

Maybe it’s better than it was but please tell me that better or more manageable or progress isn’t the end of it.

Do I actually get to be happy? Do I actually get to feel whole? Do I ever get to feel safe and fully loved and secure?

I am really struggling to keep doing this. I just can’t. I want a break for ages just an endless sleep. I want more. I want life to feel like there’s a place for being happy consistently. I can’t handle things shattering all the time.

It hurts so much rn.

I’m scared this is the way things will be forever.

Posted Jun 12, 2023, 2:22 AM UTC

188
One_Diver1751•

I hear you and see you. How you are feeling at this moment is ok and it is right got you in this moment. It is a horrible feeling to wake up each morning and say “F¥CK I’M STILL ALIVE!” Hold yourself in your arms, breathe, I don’t know how you came to feel this way and that matters less than you are here now, you are on this community, you are on this Earth. You have a right to be here, to be seen, to be heard, to be loved and to feel everything that life has.

Happy and joyous feelings seem to pass quickly when we embrace them and let ourselves feel them. I have noted if I embrace and accept my sadness, despondency, fear, and similar feelings they don’t stay as long as if I wrestle with them or battle with them.

Therapy can help, you are safe here and I pray you find your safety where you are and embrace the amazing person you are to have made it through all you have been through and are here at this moment. Please remember that you are not alone unless by choice. When I feel most abandoned, I have a box of messages and things from friends and people to remind me, I recall someone giving me a smile, a cup of coffee, looking me in the eyes when greeting me … Virtual hug and be safe and my prayers

8
gothgossipOP•

thank you ❤️ everything you said truly means a lot to me. i know i have many people who love me, sometimes i still just feel so alone. but it helps now that i’m not truly alone at least, even when i feel that way. i really appreciate your kindness ❤️

4
willendorfer•

I hear you and I’m sending you love.

For me, things have gotten a lot better (most of the time) but it has taken me a lot of hard work doing things I didn’t want to do haha

Therapy, psychiatric med mgmt, getting in to recovery. And then, I kind of stumbled through therapy until I found types that worked for me.

I’m not happy all of the time but I’m also not suicidal all of the time anymore. If you know what I mean.

So yes you likely do get to be happy. Don’t give up.

2
gothgossipOP•

thank you ❤️ and i’m really glad to hear you’ve found things that work for you so that you’re able stay at that good point. i’ve actually recently stopped therapy and my therapist and i decided i’m ready, but i’m finding it hard in other areas, even though i made all the progress i probably could’ve with her

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1
subversive_marigold•

I’m sorry you’re in such a bad place. When I was your age I felt exactly the same. With time and lots of therapy, the suicidal ideation slowly faded. I’m not suicidal at all anymore. Keep telling yourself that this will pass.

I even have moments when I feel secure and loved. It’s not always the case, but it’s happening more frequently. I still don’t feel 'whole', but it has stopped hurting so much. That feeling of being broken stopped bothering me so much and I don’t have to think about it all the time. The pain has become bearable most of the time. There are still times when I’m really suffering, but there also are good times which I am able to cherish. There are times where I’m actually happy. I’m not healed, but I’ve gotten way better, and I think you can as well! It will take time, but it will pass. Don’t give up and keep fighting for yourself, it’s worth it! I’ve been where you are now and thinking back it seems like a bad dream. I’m nowhere near as depressed anymore. Things can get better!

Do you have a therapist? No one should go through this alone. I know how desperate and scary it can get. It can also get better. I feel deeply for you. Take care and feel hugged if that’s okay.

1
gothgossipOP•

thank you so much 💞 that does make me quite a bit more hopeful tbh. it’s like i know i’ve made so much progress and am so much better than i was, but i can’t help but feel like i’ve plateaued and maybe this is all i get? and it’s like, if this is all, then i don’t want it, yk??

i was in therapy but my therapist and i decided i was ready to move on. i still feel like i need therapy tbh but i don’t think i could go any further with her. it feels like i made a tonne of progress with her but there’s still all this stuff i have to deal with that therapy with her hadn’t resolved. i still need a place to vent and to feel validated. i still need to unpack a lot of trauma and not gravitate towards retraumatising situations for whatever reason. but i sincerely do still think that ending therapy with her — as she suggested — was the right decision because it felt right to both of us.

i’m just not sure where to go from here though. i feel like i’m sort of in limbo. sorry for the ramble btw

2
subversive_marigold•

Don’t worry, I ramble all the time, too. It can help to just get it out of the head and write it all down.

I think the part where you’re mentioning how far you’ve already come is super important. Keep that thought close to your heart, because it’s evidence that things can change/get better.

It’s probably time for a new therapist then. If it all ended well with your previous one, that maybe just shows that you got as far as the two of you can go together, and it’s time to work with someone new. It sounds like you have a lot unresolved issues that are holding you back/hurting you. Maybe it’s time to look at those together with a professional.

I understand the feeling of plateauing, I have this to, and each relapse/step backwards feels like it’s invalidating all the previous progress but it’s not. Sometimes it’s two steps forward, one step back. You’re still moving forward:)

And I can relate to the gravitating to retraumatizing situations. I have no idea how to stop that tbh, but you’re not alone. Try and take extra care of yourself and your boundaries?

I don’t think this is 'all you can get'. I’m pretty sure you deserve to be happy. Maybe not all the time, but at least often enough to not want to end it all. It will take time, but you’ll get there!

1
Super-Long4508•

Same lol I can’t take it anymore

1
gothgossipOP•

i really wish i could say something like it gets better but, yk- idk i just hope you’re able to find some fulfilment or at least a bit of a rest from everything for a while soon ❤️

1
Super-Long4508•

Same for you🤍we deserve it

1