Hello r/BDSMpersonals,

I’m u/vast_submerged_thing ^1, and you’re you. Lovely you to meet you.

I’m looking for someone who can fill a submissive-shaped hole in my life^2. Hopefully this is you, and we can get to filling other holes. You’ve just experienced the first of what will be many terrible jokes here; some even have footnotes.

It's a long post so, tl;dr: guy seeks girl.

There's even a form you can use to respond.

Let’s talk about you and me

About me

Paraphrasing Salt-N-Pepa, I’m hot to trot ^3, make any woman's eyes pop. I live in the United Kingdom; not too far from London, but not too close.

Things I like:

• Kindness in others and myself

• Heavy rain

• Opportunities to be good

• My work (not always though)

• Family

• Friends

• Golden retrievers (I do not have one however)

• Reading (and Poetry)

• & (ampersands)

• Lazy mornings

At a really fundamental level, I’m looking for someone I enjoy spending time with and who in turn enjoys spending time with me. I’m not too proud to admit that I’m a bit of a secret romantic. That being said, and before you run away, I’m pretty sensible and realistic when it comes to my expectations here. Won’t be telling you I love you on a first date, promise, I’ll wait until the second.

#What others have said about me

So I’ve taken the effort to ask some previous partners and friends for “reviews”, as if I were a product on the internet. I’ve carefully removed or redacted the ones that would warn you away and tell you I’m terrible; so exactly like a product on the internet.

• “Absolutely lovely, and kind, he can be a bit too self-deprecating at times”

• “...didn’t know I liked certain things before he showed me…”

• “Smarty pants”

• “You might be a bit happier if your standards for others were less exacting”

• “You’re very good at this sex stuff, how did you get so good?”

• "<my name> is the bestest of the best Doms in all universes. 10/10 would want to become his forever slave. unglaublich wundervoll"

About you

Please be a decent person, I don’t expect you to be a super-genius big brain or able to play a concerto while balancing on your head. I value kindness and decency above everything else. If you’ve got that then everything else is just gravy ^4.

I’m open to meeting all sorts of new people, wherever you are from. Don’t take the lack of specificity here as a lack of preferences on my part. I don’t know if I have preference for you yet, having not met you yet. I wouldn’t want to stall a response from you because I said here “I like 5’2’’ Georgian Acrobats” and you happened to be a 5’2 Acrobat from the former autonomous district of South Ossetia with views about South Ossetian sovereignty at odds with most members of the United Nations^5. I’ve made that exact mistake far too many before, never again.

Some things that might be true about you and that I'd like to be true:

• Eager

• Intelligent

• Fun/Funny

• Trusting (or at least not actively distrustful)

• Not too serious

Fantasies, Kinks and Desires

Now we’re onto the reason you’re here, the BDSM part. I really enjoy both the psychological and physical sides of sex and, dominance and submission. When it comes to this, you should expect someone who knows (to some degree) what they are doing but doesn’t take things too seriously. Things ought to be fun after all.

You can expect from me:

• Negotiation

• Safe words

• Clear soft and hard limits

• Communication, communication communication

• Aftercare

• Commitment

• Honesty

• (Most importantly) FUN!

Helpful Flow Chart

I enjoy the psychological side because the trust, and depth of connection involved is really exciting and interesting. Physically, I enjoy seeing the manifestation of whatever is happening emerge, and the processes by which another person is overcome by their own bodily sensations. This could be seeing a very red and freshly spanked behind, or forcing orgasms from my partner who is bound and gagged. When it comes to this, you should expect someone who knows (to some degree) what they are doing but doesn’t take things too seriously. Things ought to be fun after all.

Kinks (in no particular order)

• Spanking

• Humiliation

• Bondage

• Gags

• Choking

• Slapping

• Consensual Non-Consent

• Orgasm Control and Denial

• Erotic Scolding

• Messy Blowjobs

• Hair-pulling

• Impregnation

• Butt plugs

• Anal sex

• Free use

It's by no means an exhaustive list of the things I'm into, but does give you a good idea.

Fantasies

I have some unfulfilled fantasies that I’d like to get around to one day.

• <Redacted due to graphic impractical nature of content>

• Sex on a boat (of any sort)

• Having a family and growing old happily with a person I dearly love and care for ^6

Only one of these is something that I'll significantly regret if I don't fulfil it. Yes, having sex on a boat really matters that much to me, #life-goals #priorities. Another bad joke, boats aren't that great.

#Desires

I have a desire:

• to please my partner, and satisfy their wants and needs. This requires that they are able to communicate said wants and needs to me.

• for ❤️affection❤️, and tender sentiments directed towards me. I'm a sensitive soul though I seem thick-skinned ^7.

Boundaries and Limits

Limits

My limits are:

• Scatological play

• Regression/Ageplay

• Anything that might lead to permanent and/or significant physical or psychological harm

Boundaries

My boundaries are that:

• I will not take part adultery or, through complicity, allow a human being to take part in adultery ^8

• I have no desire to enter into a one-sided (in terms of effort) dynamic with someone who proudly declares themselves a brat when this is just a cover for thinly-veiled for actual bad behaviour. In short, no mind games or drama please. See here for discussion of this.

Please read and respect these limits and boundaries, I will ask you about yours and we'll talk about what we can both expect and respect yours, it's important to me.

Frequently Asked Questions (under construction)

Conclusion

Thank you for taking the time to read this through. If you liked it, subscribe, give it an upvote and comment down below 👇, it all helps with the algorithm.

I’d just like to apologise for the terrible jokes you’ve been subjected to during reading this. If you’ve got all the way to the end you qualify as a Grade 2 Masochist, see me for your certificate and further educational opportunities.

I've had a great deal of fun writing and updating this. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading it, and are now chomping at the bit to get to know the mysterious man behind the post. If that’s the case, get in touch^9 (peng tings dms open 24/7); tell me a bit about yourself, and what you liked here. You can expect me to message you back with a thoughtful message, and we’ll see how things go from there.

Alternatively, if you'd like to collaborate on how I can make this post even more elaborate and fun then I'd love that.

###Foot notes

^1 Submechanophobia ahoy

^2 Yes, I actually made images for this post specially.

^3 Please take this as it’s intended; without a shred of arrogance.

^4 "everything else is just gravy" means that there is an abundance of good things in the given circumstance.

^5 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_Ossetia

^6 This was intended to be a joke, and came third for that purpose. In retrospect, it’s probably the most telling and sincere part of this entire thing.

^7 Hakuna matata really ain't no passing craze

^8 From the lesser known Three Law of Sex Robotics. Please do not contact me if you're in a relationship and your partner would be unhappy with you pursuing this, that sounds pretty serious but don't want to be breaking up any marriage; however unhappy they might be!

^9 I understand that touch is not the best word to describe a cold sterile form