Trying to reflect after nearly one year no contact. What is next?
It’s so bizarre to know that I am so close to such a milestone. I have always been one to heavily reflect on time and dates anyway. I remember thinking to myself when this all began “I’m going to have to wait a whole YEAR before I start to feel normal.” That was partly true. Considering where I was then; how much absolutely torturous pain and anxiety I was experiencing day to day, there is no question how proud I should be of myself for remaining steadfast in my choice to love myself. But, the other part that remains true is that I still don’t feel completely healed or even “over” this person.
I want to be soft with myself, as over 20% of my life was spent with him, but at times, I am still frustrated that he is the only version of love left in my rearview. When I think of romance, intimacy, love, it is all him. I would like to meet someone new and replace these experiences, but I am being patient. I wonder how long it will take for this trauma bond to be completely broken, for me to have zero interest in his life, or even flirting with the idea of speaking to him someday. I wait for that to come and I wonder if it’s my own fault for letting my love for him linger.
Lately, I’ve felt a bit stagnant. I really want to feel progress but I don’t know how to make it anymore. I don’t know how to commit to truly leaving him in my past and not carrying the weight of both our love and our pain within me every day. I know that I still grieve, but what is next? How do I honor myself and finally move on?
Posted Jul 5, 2023, 4:28 AM UTC
I’m around the same timeframe of no contact. Something that helped me once I started to feel normal was getting back into working out. I used to be in pretty good shape and it all went to hell. I felt like shit every day. It was hard to start up again but once I started seeing progress it gave me so much more pride in myself. It was something I did for me and it’s brought back so much of the confidence I had lost. You just need to look back at who you were before the narc because that person is still there. We’re all just bearing some scars now but that’s okay.
I’ve lost almost 50lbs since I left my ex…im really happy about it. I’ve always struggled with my weight but I was so out of touch with myself and stressed while we were together, it reflected in the way I could care for myself. I’ve definitely thought about how really focusing in on my health and fitness could elevate my mental health and healing…this is a good reminder of that, thank you(: