Anyone else really sad about having justno inlaws?

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I used to be, but not anymore. I realised that she's the one missing out, not me. And the fact that she can't even think about the happiness of her own child is appalling. I don't want to have anything to do with that kind of person anyway.

It's never comforting to be a people pleaser. And no matter how much you turn yourself into a pretzel to please her, it'll never be enough. Do what you can to make yourself and your partner happy. Let his mother be the miserable person she is

Yes. I think we have to grieve the loss of what could have been. My mother died a few years ago and my dad lives in a other country. Because DH and I have had to distance ourselves from his parents, we are pretty much alone. It’s tough to be raising our kids with no family support.

My MIL is passive aggressive too, but with everyone. I lost my mom at 16 and I’ve always wanted that mother/daughter relationship with my MIL, but I realize that that would only happen on her terms how she sees fit. She wants everyone to “adapt” to the specific roles she has for them in her fantasy world and anyone who refuses she deems complicated or whatever. I’ve decided to keep my distance and keep cordial for my husband and children sake. She has her own daughter that can live in her shadow and glorify her. No matter how many times he stresses that I’m her “daughter”. I’ll pass

I am jealous of people who have nice and caring inlaws. And sometimes I think of my exbf. Not because I miss him, because I rather had his parents as inlaws. His parents weren’t perfect, but at they treated us much better.

I have immense guilt about the relationship we have with in laws, but that’s because both of us grew up as people pleasers with catholic guilt moms… his way more so than mine. His continued to be as adults and continued her passive aggressive bs. Over the past few years I’ve had moments of weakness of “it’s not so bad, maybe I’m being too harsh” and then the visit is garbage. The passive aggressive comments become worse and worse. It is sad. I am envious of those who appear to have great in law relationships. I’ve never felt connected or embraced as a family member.

I do frequently feel sad, knowing we’ll never have the supportive, loving, involved family. My parents shunned us when we amicably left their church, and JNFIL is an abusive narcissist and JNMIL is a useless, manipulative addict.

Being on this sub has opened my eyes to what so many of us experience- and why kind of a MILnot to be when the time comes. DH and I have 5 kids and we pour everything we have into creating a strong, healthy family. We will be the loving, supportive grandparents we always wished we had.

u/Single-Sign2050, you ARE enough. You always have been; however, your JustNoMIL is too much. WAY too much. She thinks those in her sphere not only want her opinions & comments, they NEED them.

How comfortable are you being brash and using a bit of vulgarity?

The next time she makes statements like those you've referenced and you are finally ready to take your stand, immediately reply back with curt with something like: *"Just what in the hell does THAT mean?"*OR "MOST adults would realize not one bit of that is ANY of their damned business. You should, too." OR "What exactly would make you think that comment is appropriate for you to make? Ever?!" OR "I guess you've never realized how many things just don’t require your damned comment or criticism. This is one of them. Change the subject.” If she prattles on with it, "I SAID change the subject." OR "You have to understand your opinion on {subject} is not terribly important to me."

It is not up to YOU to swallow YOUR feelings or prostrate yourself before her like some doormat for her to step on like she does your feelings. You don't have to be ugly about it, but you MUST start letting her know with an icy tone to your voice and clipped language, you have had quite enough of her unsolicited comments and questions. What you allow to happen unchecked WILL continue.

You are enough. The problem is that she isn't enough. She isn't what she wants to be to him. She doesn't have the true unconditional relationship you have. She doesn't have the trust and faith that you have with him. If she did she would not constantly ask questions and try to be in your realm rather than on the outside.

They are not important. You managed just fine without them prior to meeting them. You can do it again.

Lower your expectations. You can’t change anyone but yourself.

But to answer your question, yes. My husband spoke very highly of his parents and even declared that if you don’t like them there’s something wrong with you.

Well, they didn’t like me for no reason other than they were still grieving his late wife, whom they also didn’t like until she was dying.

It’s not me. It’s them. They are insignificant to me. And seemingly to him. He only visits them if he has to. Today we were a block from their house. When I asked if he wants to pick up some flowers and take them to his parents he said they have enough flowers. And we didn’t go.

In time they learn.

Unfortunately, the problem isn't you. It's her. She sees you as an interloper, as someone she has to compete with for her son's attention/affection. You could be the perfect DIL and it wouldn't matter. Hopefully your husband calls her out when she disrespects you and supports you over his mother. If not, you have a bigger problem than a JNMIL.

So don't worry what she thinks, limit your contact with her, and give her the same kind of relationship that she gives you. The less access she has to you and any future children, the better your life will be.

It makes me very sad. I don’t have the best relationship with my own mother and I really thought my husbands mom would be someone I could count on as family/friend. I envisioned getting our nails done together, going out for lunch, shopping. Instead I’m left with a petty, passive aggressive, financially abusive, emotionally manipulative psycho

This is me too. My mom was a mildlyno my entire childhood but has gotten a lot better (or maybe I‘ve gotten better at setting boundaries. I was THRILLED when I first got to know my MIL - my husband and her seemed to have a really close relationship; I really admired it and couldn’t wait to be part of their family. Things changed once we had kids - she became really jealous, overstepped all boundaries and undermined my parenting. Her actions showed that she really only cared about my husband and kids. His mom and siblings were really cliquey. My husband didn’t want to set any boundaries with them so I tried to suck it up and go along with things (for over a decade) but I was really miserable and eventually my husband was too. We recently discovered through therapy that their family was enmeshed. Im definitely grieving what I thought would be a great relationship and have give up all hopes of ever having a normal, healthy relationship with them.

Yeah, it makes me sad. I have friends who’s in laws are so supportive and truly treat them like daughters. Involved in their grandkids lives, take them for a week for grandparent camp, etc.

I have amazing parents, so I’m lucky I’m not missing a parental relationship and didn’t need it necessarily, but it is a bummer.

Only this past year have I been confident that after a few minutes my FIL would be able to remember my name. (I’ve been around for twenty years)

It would have been nice to feel I got a second family, especially sisters.

It is what it is now I guess. The only part I really regret and hate is that I have their name now. I gave up the name of my family that loves me for the name of a family that can’t remember who I am. That’s the part that hurts the most.

Yes. I had hoped to like mine and at least we were comfortably neutral prior to having children but now it's death by a thousand paper cuts with larger issues thrown in to spice things up. I hate it. I have a better relationship with my friend's MIL than my own.

Stop trying. You are setting yourself on fire trying to keep her warm.

Treat her like you would any casual acquaintance. Be polite, but don't bother trying to get close to her, or involve her in your life beyond general information.

Yes! I come from a very close knit family and I guess I naively expected the same from the in laws..

The thing that hurts the most is they are very kind and supportive to DH's brothers and their partners. DH is the scapegoat child so we are treated like we barely exist. I have mainly comes to terms with it, but seeing them treat the brother's and family so well makes me jealous sometimes lol.

Yes, I feel deeply sad. I was going to post something similar after the incident today.

My justno’s have made it explicitly clear that I will never be considered family and neither will my kids from my prior marriage. They have said it outright.

It’s heartbreaking because in our house we have 5 kids (some mine, some his, one ours) and we truly show up and parent them all together with a lot of love and equality.

It’s been so bad that my partner is NC with his mom and very low contact with with father and stepmother.

My parents are unfortunately not able to be very present either so our kids don’t have grandparents. It’s heartbreaking.