Source
r/uwaterloo•
everydaycry

How to survive chronic suicidal thought

Shitpost

There is nothing keep me from suicide. All the things I can do are meaningless and I have tried everything desperate to survive but I just cant live with what I have right now. Seriously, what can I do? I know talking wont help. I dont want to die but it seems it is the only way out for me and it is the only thing meaningful for everyone I know. They feel happier without my existance. I dont want to play with cognitive behaviorial therapy as I am tired to explain my evidence.

Posted Sep 16, 2023, 8:48 AM UTC

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Pitiful-Plane-8590•

Hii it would be rude to say i understand you or anything coz there is aloot difference between wht you are going through then wht my experience or wht i see ...yess life can be really stressed and the thought, voices can be really overwhelming and i get that tbh.... someone once said that when you are feeling of ending it or when you feel like nothing is worth it ... try to remember why you started this path.... think thoughts as a cloud that is passing you have and it will go away soon... and you have said in the you don't want to die which is good uk ...if you are finding anything meaningless go to gym or go to place of nature away from things or learn new.hobbie , cook for someone....or ask someone wht would they really want to do but fear to do it like for me I fear of height but i really want to try bungee jumping....you can talk with me bro I'm open to talk and we can talk as much as u want and as much u need and I don't mind any topic kinks or anything i won't judge you just speak your heart...it would be really better to talk hrs about the sadness and loneliness than go the funeral uk... And remember you matter aloot

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CrazyDolphin16I 💛 FARADAY •

It's a shitpost

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everydaycryOP•

Dont want to give you hard feeling but the cloud of thought wont go away and will be stuck forever as long as I dont get what I desperate need. There is no "someone" will show up again as I pretty sure my condition is "unfriendable". All the things I do for hobbies or things I used to enjoy just become a mark of hatred to myself to show how pathetic I am. I have pushed off and pissed off a lot of people unwillingly but it is the thing it automatically happen and the only thing to prevent is to hide in eternity and pretend to be someone else who is normal. I feel like bathing in my own blood is the only way to get a warm hug I used to have. Everything will turns right after my success attempt of suicide (I have lost counting how many attempt there were).

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Pitiful-Plane-8590•

Hii brother I don't mind hard feelings and tbh u had that feelings too for like 13 years already and Im not saying it's same or anything I'm just saying i get it to be different one not having people who see things how you see or like you try to fix things but end up messing it up even more which makes it even worse I get that tbh i also have been through suicidal situation attempt that were failed some where it wouldn't look like suicide addiction to some bad habits and aloot of things I have also done that...the only thing which is kept me working is I made a promise to my mom and aunt that I'll give her the luxury she always deserved soo thats the only path reason I have to be alive...my father died when I was 4ish and my mom had to work aloot and leave me alone and tbh i didn't even knew he was dead till I was 16 17 and I grew up without my mother and father but I still made the promise to make it happen....if you are not finding any purpose maybe work in a community centre or go out for a travel visit places you never saw or wanted to see and uk wht you can do is if you feel like making an attempt before you do that think like let's do one good thing it can be anything helping a elder or community services after that it's completed think you wanna do today or Tom

Also my DM is open if you wanna talk about something or just want some to hear your story i promise i won't judge

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everydaycryOP•

I am tired of endless exile where all of the one I know just send me away to say go get a life and learn live with yourself only for eternity. I am aware and able to predict every reaction and advice from what I received. I am aware what others betrayal/abandon behaviors are completely normal and are the only righteous thing they should do. No matter what I do it just doesnt change the everlasting fate. Regardless of being the top and excellent in whatever it is (and I have achieved), what turns out is that I will be replaced by someone in the earth who is superior than me for only one single trait. I just couldnt get how to win a person over others other than being the world no1 on every attribute and become flawless. I know it is bitch behavior to spread negative thought but there is nothing I can do for overflooding negative emotion as it is drowning me for everyday every second 24/7 non stop eat every part of my soul in everytime. By awaring the above statement, it seems suicide is the only right thing to do to end the suffer of others. Everything above said by me is well-thought and logically flawless in a rational manner. It is never a rush idea or something temporarily.

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Flamingcurry69•

Yes everything you’ve said is logically flawless. There will likely always be someone better than you at that one thing. But why should that make us feel negatively about ourself? Even though that conclusion is logically flawless, we still get to decide how we feel about that. You will never be the “best” scientist in the world but there will always be more than one problem to solve. The patients in hospitals around the world don’t care that it wasn’t the “best” doctor that treated them, they’re grateful to the one that did. It makes no difference if I’m the best, I can make a change. One thing especially people with exceptional logical thinking have to learn is that their thinking will always be influenced by their emotions because we’re human. So most of your thought process can be logical but the conclusion to that process and how we should feel about that outcome comes from our emotions. I’m sure you understand the emotions your experiencing aren’t healthy so why would the conclusions to your logically flawless thought processes be? I beg that you slowly read through these words, reread them, give them a chance to effect you. Please make it your mission to get to a place of emotional physical health first and then reevaluate. The world would be better for it — A well wisher

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everydaycryOP•

I am aware it is seriously ill thought. I dont mean to upset you by listing out my counter-argument but it just the world view of mine that is irrefutable.

  1. Why should you feel negative about ourself for someone better than you at that one thing. : it is totally okay as long as they dont show up and replace you completely and exile you out. And there is ALWAYS have a risk factor for eventually one of the guy who is better than you show up and kick you out. Even though you help or save them, they will forget or exile you because there is a better version show up. And thats is human nature and how people should behaves.

  2. Emotion are not healthy and rational logical conclusion can also be unhealthy : the only true way to be healthy is be the best one in the world and be way superior than everyone. Thats the true way to get a healthy relationship is to become an only supplier of others life problem so there always will be a reason for other to be stay with you in a healthy manner. I hate to be human that we will be tired and have emotion to stop us enduring the pain from working 24/7 to achieve things that makes us to not be replaced. And also, you need to be way better than the another doctor so another doctor is worthless compared to you so they have no chance to replace you so as to secure your position from in the eye of your patient.

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Yolo_Swaggins_YeetGrad Chad / Bicycle Fairy•

You don’t want to die, as you’ve said.. how is this the only meaningful thing for everyone you know?

If you think people feel happier without your existence, it’s probably just your presence, cut these people out of your life. It sounds like these people are a major contributor to your current difficult situation.

You really should consider therapy of some sort, there’s more options than just CBT. If things get worse please don’t hesitate to contact emergency services, help is out there buddy.

Things get better, it probably feels like you’re in a deep dark pit right now with no escape, I’ve been stuck in that same pit. But there’s hope, it may take time and effort, maybe even cutting certain people out of your life, but there is hope for you. Don’t give up, you can get past this

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everydaycryOP•

Cutting people out is same as killing the only answer in the universe for the sake of destroying the problem, which in fact does not work. Not gonna lie, having a reason to work for winning the attention of people you should cut off makes me healthier comparing to do nothing rotting on bed until eternality have passed. There will be no new life, and it is the main contributor for my issue. The more desperate attempt to find a "new life", the characteristic of "universe only" of the "was existed solution" will be revealed. It just make the only solution of my crissis be more prominent and bipolar. Either give up and rot in eternity, or win back the already spoiled and expired "was existed solution person". There is no alternative or "middle".

TLDR: The only way out is either just die as you are supposed to or make everyone suffer.

1
everydaycryOP•

Cutting people out is same as killing the only answer in the universe for the sake of destroying the problem, which in fact does not work. Not gonna lie, having a reason to work for winning the attention of people you should cut off makes me healthier comparing to do nothing rotting on bed until eternality have passed. There will be no new life, and it is the main contributor for my issue. The more desperate attempt to find a "new life", the characteristic of "universe only" of the "was existed solution" will be revealed. It just make the only solution of my crissis be more prominent and bipolar. Either give up and rot in eternity, or win back the already spoiled and expired "was existed solution person". There is no alternative or "middle". TLDR: The only way out is either just die as you are supposed to or make everyone suffer.

1
Kiwi365•

smoke weed. i am so serious. i (and a lot of my friends) were chronically suicidal in high school, until we discovered the miracle that is marijuana. it saved my friend’s life for sure. there’s a reason people use it medicinally for mental health!

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siruthapuli•

No

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Overcomplacent•

Why do you think others suffer from your existence? Where do you get that idea? Do you suffer from the existence of others?

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everydaycryOP•

Because i am trying so hard to build better relationship for whatever the cost it is. And they literally say and react like that. No, I never experience others doing what i do to others.

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Overcomplacent•

if you dont suffer from the existence of others, you have no reason to believe that others suffer from your existence. frankly i don't believe that people are telling you that your existence causes them suffering. i think whats really happening is youre just misinterpreting the reactions of others in an extremely self-deprecating manner. feel free to prove me wrong tho, can you give me an example of something that happened to you that supports your theory?

you mention that everything you do seems meaningless and thus suicide is the only answer? why do you feel that everything you do seems meaningless? and furthermore wouldn't suicide be meaningless as well?

ultimately me trying to debate and disprove you probably isn't gonna do anything about your suicidal thoughts, what you really need is some form of therapy, some effective program that will slowly help you realize why you should keep living.

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everydaycryOP•

No, even i dont have this experience at least i can understand how and why they think and behaves like this way. And it is not only happen to one person only, there are so much people end up in this way. There is never overestimate or minunderstanding, but only underestimate about others feeling and reaction for bigger issue.

Everything is meaningless because no matter what i do, i cant achieve what i want and it has been literally spill out by the "stakeholder". Suicide is only answer because it is the last resort to achieve the bare minimum of what i want. And everything pointing to that direction, not just the end of the suffer.

1
Overcomplacent•

you cant just say that you "understand why someone may feel this way" and then conclude that is in fact how they are feeling. it seems that you are in your own head too much and overthinking your relationships to such an extent that you've assumed your perception of reality to be the truth. i can ensure you that majority of people do not feel as if they are burdening others with their existence.

im not sure what you mean by everything "spills out by the stakeholder". can you elaborate on this more? you relate meaninglessness to not being able to achieve what you want, but what is it that you want?

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walterbishop112358•

If you go to the health clinic the doctor can evaluate you for anxiety/depression and you could try out an antidepressant.

I think I was in a similar state as you at one point and was pretty insistent that meds weren't an option. But I finally gave in and booked a mental health intake appointment and was put on meds. They fairly quickly they snapped me out of it and although I wasn't magically overjoyed all the time or anything it got me in a place I could start talking about and working out things that might be causing/worsening the depression. The antidepressant literally just shut off the suicidal ideation within a couple days - they may very well have saved my life, tbh. Years later life is fairly decent (therapy and some life changes helped, and the antidepressant I ended up staying on).

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everydaycryOP•

I think my issue is more than normal anxiety/depression that no doctor are willing to treat or handle. What i receive from them is mostly like what the fuck do you want me from help. I tried medicine but it doesnt help. Pretty sure the only way other can offer is asking me to give up and dont give a fuck of what you care the most. But it is basically a Huge unbreachable baseline for me. I would rather die other than learning to live with this "sea of mothingness" situation for eternity like other human supposed to do.

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walterbishop112358•

:/ Doctors can be pretty callous/make things exhausting for sure. The medicine is definitely a bit of a coin toss and can require a lot of trying things to find something that "works". (SDRI, SSRI, SNRI).

Turns out my issues were untreated ADHD, trauma, disconnection from groups that would provide meaning and a sense of agency over what often feels like a crumbling world, and also burnout. So once I was stabilized it was a long steady process involving therapy etc figuring that out and finding ways to make life more meaningful, more tolerable, less tiring, more joy filled, getting a little more social (so hard at first but can be very helpful). It's still often a grind but I actually like knowing that a lifetime is limited so I can't suffer forever like you mentioned if I end up in another long stretch of deep depression again, I know can keep trying to make what I can of this life while it lasts (whether it's for people or causes I care about or just out of raw stubbornness) and know that it'll end at some point.

1
everydaycryOP•

The problem is there is no way out of bad life situation. I tried so desperate to social just to find the replica of previous one, but i couldnt get anything from it. It waste so much time and energy but there is nothing i could do about it. I can switch personality for others and hide myself forever, but I cant force other to become what i want. I really hate this human nature that you cant just give up your emotion and feeling and become whatever the best it is in the situation. Why cant human just switch personality or their behavior like an addon insert to their head and leave the fucking emotion behind? Emotion is just an obstacle to slow you down for nothing meaningful and burden your life. I know the only health true advice is accept the fate of eternality emptiness as stated by introvert: most of the time you are spending with is yourself. I just hate this fate and really want to destroy it to prove it is wrong. But the more struggle i made, the more triumph they got for seeing me failing to beat off this fucking fate.

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