Too scared to contact my dad after months of ignoring his texts and calls; please help

I’m really not sure what to do. My dad (60s M), and I (21F) have a complicated relationship but love each other very much. I moved countries with my mam as a child, so my dad and I would have phone calls, email, etc. to stay in touch, and I’d see him when travelling back to my home country.

I love him but at some point idk why, I started to be unable to push through the fear and stress and just anxiety of contacting him. Usually I’d be able to, but at some point, I had another breakdown where some people I know said some negative things about him, and I stopped feeling able to push through and contact him. It all sort of snowballed from there. I missed my brother’s (dad’s side) birthday and didn’t text or call so I could say happy birthday to him, I honestly just forgot that day and then it got even harder from there.

I got scared my dad would get angry or make me feel more guilty than I already do for what I’ve done, so I just kept avoiding. And I feel so bad for worrying him as he knows I have mental health difficulties. And he’s gotten so much more compassionate and gentle towards me since I opened up to him about them. But there’s just a huge roadblock and I’ve been so avoidant for so long that i don’t know how to start making things right or getting back in touch, and I miss him.

Then tonight he called twice then left a text saying something along the lines of the following; how all efforts to contact me over the past few months have proven abortive, but to please call as it was urgent.

I know I can’t keep avoiding anymore and need to contact him now. And I really want to. I love and miss him and am worried. But it’s just so hard and I feel so so guilty and ashamed of myself, I feel like i’m an evil person. I can’t begin to describe how I’m viewing myself for the way i’ve treated him.

I think potentially maybe some of the ways he treated me as a child weren’t the best, and could be described as “bullying” like my mam named it, and there was mild physical punishment, a lot of other things, etc. And things are complicated as an adult between us as he can be manipulative and controlling or confusing sometimes, but I still love him and I feel like a horrible daughter and am also worried for him and for my brother. I really want to have a relationship with him and I love him.

But i’m so so scared and don’t know how to reply or get in contact now. I just want my daddy back, and I want to make things right. But I have no idea what to do. Any advice?

All this stuff in addition to my other issues, has made me feel suicidal sometimes lately but I’ve been staying safe.

I’m sorry if this is a bit rambly or disjointed or hard to read as I’m quite dissociated and panicked rn.

Please help and offer any advice on how I can get back to him. And I know what I’ve done is beyond awful but please know i’m already blaming myself a lot for this rn and just want to know how I can make this right. Thank you so much for reading ❤️