Source
r/Estrangedsiblings•
jennyistrying

My estranged sister gave birth to her first child recently and I don't know how to manage the situation (long post).

I am in need of support and advice on how to manage this situation with my sister. Of course there is a lifetime of dynamics that have contributed to the situation I am in today so I will try my best to summarize.

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My sister is four years younger than me. We both experienced a lot of trauma in our family growing up with parents who both suffer from mental illness including personality disorders. There is a lot of estrangement in the family in general. As children I was quite mean to my sister and this has left a big mark on her, although throughout the years I have tried to make up for it and repair the situation. Unfortunately there has been a lot of strain in our relationship over the years, with periods of time where we are more connected and then periods of time where we are not talking to each other. My sister has been very angry towards my parents and I've often been in the role of consoling my parents because of the hurt they experience as a result of my sister's behavior. For example, when she got married several years ago she was not going to invite them to her wedding and this ended up causing a lot of drama that I had to manage. In general I've always served the function of managing everyone's emotions in the family and being a mediator, which has been exhausting.

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Fast forward to this year, my sister and I were on pretty decent terms when I visited her in NY from out of town. I currently live in Europe and see her about 1-2 times a year since 2020. During my most recent visit to NY in March 2023 I tried to make a lot of effort to spend quality time with her, I brought her gifts for her birthday and on this infamous occasion I took her and her husband out for dinner to her favorite restaurant for her birthday. Another side note that is important background information is that I have chosen not to have children and she has been interested in having kids. A few nights prior to this birthday dinner she sat me down to tell me that she was going to start planning to have children soon, that she wants me to be part of the process, and wants it to be a pleasant experience because she knows it can be painful. She made a comment saying that her child could be like my own child because she knew I didn't want to have one. This made me uncomfortable because I don't want a child of my own and I don't need hers to substitute for me. I know that she has been judgmental of my choice not to have children and has looked at it as a pathology.

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At the dinner where I took her out for her birthday two days before I was flying back to Europe, I noticed that she was sick but still sharing food and drinks with me. When I noticed this I pointed it out and expressed concern about it, stating that I did not want to get sick. This made her very uncomfortable, she insisted I put a lot of shame in her, and she stormed out of the dinner before we were done leaving me there on my own because she no longer felt comfortable. I didn't see her again prior to flying back to Europe.

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We made no contact for months. In July she reached out to let me know that she was pregnant. I congratulated her and asked about how she was feeling and since this was the first time I spoke to her since the dinner in March, I asked if she wanted to talk about what happened. I told her that I was hurt by what she did and she proceeded to laugh at me for thinking that I am a victim and scolding me. She then said that I was acting out because I couldn't handle how jealous and envious I was of her life. This was a shock for me to hear and very hurtful. She ended up hanging up on my face and saying she's "done".

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Last month I sent an e-mail to try to repair the situation in response to an invitation to her baby shower. I declined coming to the baby shower given the difficulties we faced but offered that we could try to write each other letters to get to know each other again and when we feel ready we could try talking on the phone. She never responded to the e-mail because on the day she received it her water broke early and she had to go into the hospital. I did send her text messages hoping that she feels ok. She gave birth to the baby prematurely by about 2.5 months about a week later. I have struggled with how to reach out. I have sent text messages, to which she responded gratefully including sending a picture of the baby, but has not made any mention of the e-mail that I sent addressing the communication issues between us. I sent a dinner to her and her husband as part of something her friend organized to have everyone send them meals while they have to stay away from home to visit the baby every day in the NICU. Both she and her husband texted me saying thank you. On one occasion I tried to call her but she did not pick up nor did she call back.

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This brings me to today. My sister gave birth a few weeks ago, maybe a month ago, and I am in NY again for a week visiting from out of town. I don't know if I should reach out to her, I am feeling afraid about how she feels about me and if she will lash out at me again. It is all feeling very uncomfortable for me. I keep hearing how she insisted I am jealous of her and all the other things she said in anger and it's feeling very painful and difficult to reach out to her. At the same time I think this is an important moment in her life and I am concerned that I will regret not trying later. I also worry that this could be leading down the path of total estrangement in which I will never feel comfortable with her or her husband and never meet her child just like the estrangement that has happened with the rest of my extended family.

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I know this was long but I do appreciate if you got this far and look forward to hearing any thoughts you might have on the matter. Thanks in advance.

Posted Nov 15, 2023, 8:37 PM UTC

212
Spiritual_Worth•

It feels like she was more lashing out at you in the moment and she’s kind of immature. If you’re ok with dropping what happened at dinner and simply moving forward because you want to be part of the baby’s life I would approach it that way. Reach out while you’re there and say exactly that, you know, I want to be here for you and your family and would love to meet baby if possible. I understand how it can be so uncomfortable for you. But it seems like you’re right that you’ll regret it if you don’t.

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jennyistryingOP•

Thank you. It really helps to get an outside perspective.

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Spiritual_Worth•

I hope it works out well for you and the two of you are able to find some comfort in each other. Family is hard

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jennyistryingOP•

Family is really hard. This situation has caused me so much pain in the past year. Not to mention the fact that at no point has she shown interest or care in what is happening in my life. I feel like I am not really treated like a person. It’s very dehumanizing and demoralizing and makes it very difficult to find motivation to reach out especially when I know she feels such negative things about me. My mom has tried in the past few months to talk to her about it and she also lashed out again insisting I am jealous and got angry at my mom when she tried to gently offer a different way of looking at things. Her behavior makes it seem as if she actually just doesn’t want me to be a part of her and her child’s life even though she said the opposite.

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RTJ333•

I was pretty estranged from my sister when she had a baby. I sent a congratulations card and gift for the baby. Have you done that yet? Since you're in town from Europe I do think you should reach out. However, font expect a lot in return. The first couple months of being a new parent are exhausting and she probably won't have time to discuss your past email or the logistics if how you should move forward or communicate in the future. She does need to prioritize her baby, so do ask how the baby is doing, how she's doing, hold back in offering any advice, and wish her and her family well.

Also.... Because this really stuck our for me...

In general I've always served the function of managing everyone's emotions in the family and being a mediator, which has been exhausting.

Try not to continue doing this. Let your parents and sister have whatever relationship with each other they want, stay out of it and don't discuss your parents with your sister or sister with your parents. It's usually what's best for everyone.

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jennyistryingOP•

Yes, it’s a role I’ve tried to fight my whole life. It’s a lot better now after I’ve moved away and kept distance, but it’s always been a struggle to maintain the boundaries.

I’ve reached out and will be visiting her tomorrow. I feel anxious about seeing her after all this time and knowing that she feels the way she has said about me all this time but it’s a step I guess in the right direction.

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RTJ333•

Hopefully the visit goes well. Do try your best not to discuss other people you both know, but instead just your own lives and the baby. Good luck.

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jennyistryingOP•

Thank you. That's sound advice about keeping it to our own lives and the baby.

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moseyingaround•

There’s nothing like having a baby that makes you realise the importance of strong, good healthy family bonds. Reach out. I’m sure she will be reflecting on how she would like her family to be. I often feel estrangement between siblings comes down to the parents. How they treated each child and if they did or didn’t foster healthy, supportive relationships between siblings. Good luck and congrats on becoming an Aunty!

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jennyistryingOP•

Thank you 🙏🏻

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playhookie•

The newborn phase is awful for a lot of people. If you want to drop by, suggest that you come by with some takeout or something helpful so she doesn’t have to host you.

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jennyistryingOP•

Good point!

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