Is it hard to forgive?
I had an autistic boyfriend in wich I was the person he used to trust the most. We've were toguether for about 3 or so years at the time and doing great. However, about three years ago, he was uncovering his autistic nature and going through a lot of emotions, wich, due to a lot of stress, he ended up breaking up with me peacefully.
At first I thought that i chould deal with it and thought that we chould be friends for some time, but he was my only friend for a long, long time. Mostly because i've had very few friends because i'm also an autistic person. Throughout 2021 he was the only person I had so I would also talk to him about how i was going through the break up. On some occasions i would even come to blame the reason behind my whole life being miserable at the time it was because of him (wich wasn't).
At the end of the year, i reckon trying to apologise for the things i've mistakenly said to him but at that time i knew i had broken his confidence onto me and it was too late for me to apologise. He basically told me that although he doesn't hate me, he feels that he cannot just pretend that i've never said the things i've said. I apologised for being an inconvenience and we never spoke again. Never tried to contact him again since.
It has been almost two years since this happened but i still think about it daily. I have no idea on how he's doing nowadays but i wanted to know about it so bad. My theraphist thinks that he has become an special interest to me because i talk about him every time despite don't haven't been in contact for years, I can't help myself but wanting to reconnect to him again to show him that i never meant to say the things i've said two years ago. I don't think that he has forgiven me a bit though, I wanted to know if i'm better off leaving it and just living with his thought onto my head or just trying to contat him again. I haven't done it before because i fear that my approach would trigger some sort of anxiety or some burrowed traumas that I might have caused him. If you've read up to this point, my most sincere thanks a lot and what would you suggest?
Posted Nov 18, 2023, 7:20 AM UTC
I would suggest continuing the no contact. I think the reason you’re so fixated on it is because you feel guilty for the things you’ve said to him but nothing you do will change what you said he even told you himself he can’t pretend that you never said them. Talking to him won’t change anything because you can’t change the past.
that's the thing. The very thought of "you can't change the past" poisoned my soul for the past two years. I've indeed fixated on the things i've done yet i'm feeling incapable of moving on. My life has gotten tremendouslt better after thoose two years. Found new friends, i'm dating again, reached better places in life, etc. The thing is that he had such an importance to me that I sometimes feel like none of this things matter a single bit. Sometimes i look around and not being able to message him when i wake up it crushes me, I look at where i am in my life now and it all seems wrong even though it's theoretically better.
Thats why i wanted to contact him so bad. I feel like it's the only thing that chould change something is if that he chould possibly forgive me. Sometimes I feel like it's the only hope I have left. I mostly leave this feelings bottled up inside but whenever i'm all alone with no stimuli, I always turn to the feelings on the original post
I know what it’s like to develop that kind of bond with another person and I can’t imagine being without them the thought alone puts me on edge. I don’t know what it’s like to lose your person or how difficult it must be for you. But.. I think you’re being unfair to yourself by discrediting all the work you put in, all the things you’ve achieved, all the happiness you felt.. just because he isn’t there with you. Hard work is still hard work regardless of who’s there to see it. Also, you say you’re dating again but I think it’s unfair to the people you’re dating when this person from your past still holds such a big part of you and your happiness still heavily relies on them. Imagine you’re dating someone who makes you happy and you fully intend to grow with them but they’ll never be happy because as long as their ex is out of reach their life and everything in it is meaningless. Not to mention contacting him only seems to benefit you and even that’s not certain. You’re hoping it’ll make things better but you just might end up making things worse for the both of you.
Words cannot describe how good and spot-on your comment was. hearing that i'm being unfair to myself and that contacting him has no guarantee to make things better, but worse is exactly the things i hear the most whenever im talking about this topic, and it's all true.
I've talked to my girlfriend about this many times and i literally do not deserve her. She stands by my side knowing that even if i go through this thoughts regularly, it's not what defines me and that she'll stay by my side supporting me go through this for as long as it's possible and it genuinely makes all the difference to me. I think that my ex had a major role in my life due to him being my only source of support for so many years it's kinda strange now that he's not there anymore. But your comment has made my day much better, thank you.