I don’t really know what type I am
• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.
I’m 18 years old and I’d probably describe myself as a gender nihilist, but realistically I’m probably just gender-fluid. At my core I’d describe myself as an individualist, and I’m rly into philosophical shit like Emma Goldman and stirner, things like that. I’m pretty quiet, blunt, sardonic, but also probably mask that way too much in order to placate people while slowly resenting them and myself. I absolutely hate being controlled by something or someone. I either care too much about people or don’t really care what they think at all depending on how well or what I personally think of them. I generally play therapist for my entire family. Never really felt comfortable in my own skin or expressing myself due to fear of backlash. If I don’t wanna be somewhere you can absolutely tell that I don’t wanna be there.
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?
Autism, anxiety, mayyyyybe depression?
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
Fine, I guess. My mother’s well intentioned but strict, and has admitted to me she likely has some form of psychological problems. She still struggles to accept my sexuality and basically just doesn’t acknowledge it despite me coming out twice, but we get along well as long as I constantly validate her own problematic relationships, which I’m fine with doing. Also forced me to go to college from home at a local university because she was worried bc I was autistic, and also had a very clear set goal for me and my future career that I wasn’t necessarily on board with. My father was mostly passive and engaged with my sister who played college basketball, and really only started to try and connect with me as a teenager. Most of the time it’s him trying to talk about pro wrestling with me, even though we don’t really see eye to eye on that either, but I at least appreciate the attempt, but I can also tell he’s miserable. My parents also hate each other and usually have monthly disputes, quarterly quarrels, and biyearly blowups.
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
I would feel wonderful. I really never get any alone time and feel at peace with myself when I can just be myself without worrying that someone’s going to judge me.
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
I’ve always enjoyed being active, especially as I’ve gotten fitter as I’ve become more adult, and I’ve always been down for any form of sport, or even just working out. It’s become somewhat routine for me, I obviously don’t want to do it all the time, but I feel much better after doing it. I’ve always enjoyed video games for as long as I remember, for a relatively weird kid, it was oftentimes my only sanctuary in a world where I didn’t necessarily fit in.
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
I would consider myself a pretty curious individual. It’s not necessarily that I have too many ideas to produce, it’s that I try to produce all of them at once so my progress is very very slow. My curiosities are mostly about my interests, I like making personal projects regarding music, philosophy, animation, politics, even sports. Generally speaking, I like to learn more about things I already know and furthering my knowledge on subjects before progressing deeper and deeper into a field and then trying to make my own things from there.
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
Hell no. If I was forced to take a leadership position, my first act would be to abolish the position. I simply believe that people should be allowed to act upon their own instincts and to make their own decisions for the betterment of the group as a whole.
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
As a kid I wasn’t but I’ve gotten much better as I’ve grown older, I generally think I’m pretty graceful on my feet and I’ve got solid hand eye coordination. Probably my best skills are with my hands, I’ve been able to do things from going 7/7 from three in the park on NBA 2K, to learning all of juris combos in SF6, to even just getting all 999 moons in Mario odyssey. Long story short, I got good thumbs basically and that’s my big thing lol
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
I love making music. Used to play guitar when I was really young but the strings broke. Now I just compose music on my computer. Usually it’s heavy on interpolating existing tracks and turning it into a beat that I can rap on. Most of the stuff I take is from old obscure queercore bands, anarcho-punk bands like against me, or just general hard-rock like QOTSA. Usually once I get the track itself, I tweak aspects of it until I get something new, (for example, raising the guitar pitch up an octave, changing the bass’s distortion level, adding a brass section, replacing a drum solo w a beat drop, you get the picture)
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
I usually view the past as something that I want to let go of and forget but can’t no matter how hard I try, I absolutely live in the present and live in the moment, and I view the future as something that is both extremely hopeful, but also impending with sobering reality.
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
I try to help people in any way I can because that’s just the right thing to do. What’s the upside for me not helping out people I like? Even if I don’t know someone, worst case scenario I make someone’s life easier and it makes me sleep a lil easier at night.
• Do you need logical consistency in your life?
It’s funny, it would make shit a lot easier, but at this point, I’ve come to terms that rationality as a whole is basically a lost concept and that life’s easier when you just go with the flow. I’ve always been a logical person at my core, but my logic is seemingly different than that of most people.
Posted Dec 10, 2023, 7:27 PM UTC
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
If we’re talking the NBA then extremely. Otherwise, I’m not too big on pumping shit out just to pump it out. I’d rather take my time with something in order to make sure it’s exactly how I want it to be.
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
Hell no.
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?
Playing video games, making music, reading, watching pro wrestling, watching cartoons. I think I like it because it allows me, or gives me a story that I can digest, think about, and try to apply to my own life where I’m able to understand my feelings, but not necessarily know what to do with them.
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?
Usually I learned best by just doing it, or reading something then applying it. I’ve never been good at listening to lectures because they always seemed to never align with my train of thought and just led to me being more confused. I’ve always preferred classes that balance both logical thinking, and creative thinking.
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?
Pretty much my entire academic life has been based upon just winging things and I’ve consistently been a top student, and I’m not saying that to be cocky, because when I actually have to plan for something, I can kinda crumble and fall into a pit of self-depreciation
• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?
At this point, I really just wanna be free to live away from a capitalist hellscape.
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?
My biggest fear is easily that of being controlled or manipulated, the idea of not having autonomy terrifies me. I hate a lot of things, but I think the thing I hate most is people who simply won’t say what they’re thinking and they expect you to just magically guess what they’re thinking or how they feel. It’s just annoying and senseless to me.
• What do the "highs" in your life look like? When things are going good, I feel like a genuinely good person with a solid future ahead who feels inspired to change the world to an image that I believe is more just and equitable for all
• What do the "lows" in your life look like? Just depressed with the world around me, moody, irritable, even more blunt and isolated. Lots of repressed feelings. Usually ends with me trying to hold in tears alone because nothing makes me feel more useless and pathetic than crying.
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?
I mostly think about what I would rather be doing instead or I’m thinking about something I’m planning on doing. Usually I disengage if I’m at some like party at something I don’t wanna be at, but if I’m somewhere where I feel happy, I’m usually pretty attentive.
• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?
I’d probably think about how the hell i got in this room, how should I get out of there, why I’m in here in the first place, I’d probably start to stomp and punch the walls around me in an attempt to make an escape
• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?
As long as physically possible. I am probably the most indecisive person on the planet. There are so many factors and possibilities that I can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t wait as long as possible to make a decision.
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
I process my emotions pretty easily but if you asked me to tell you how I was feeling about something I would probably hiss at you and tell you to fuck off. The expression part is where I struggle a lot. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I do deal with a lot of emotions that I just don’t know what to do with sometimes.
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
I pretty much always do this with people because I don’t know how they’ll react if I don’t. Most of the time I do this in front of my family who I basically have to walk on eggshells around if I want them to not mess with my shit or even just treat me somewhat positively. If I actually do like someone I’m more willing to say my piece, but obviously I try to be respectful about it.
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?
I do break rules, though I pick my spots as so not to get caught. I believe that there is no such thing as a just authority in this society. What authority calls its own violence law and what authority calls individual’s violence is crime, and to me, that is not only illogical, as there’s no reason why numerous laws are morally right or wrong, but are ironically in of themselves morally impure due to forcing a statist form of control on the populous.