Feeling embarrassed/ashamed?

I've been involved in a relationship with someone I now strongly suspect has BPD for almost four months -- although the relationship itself officially only lasted five weeks. I know I'm technically lucky he wasn't able to hide the erratic/volatile behavior for longer (but sometimes I wish he had?)

Most of our conflicts were over issues that were completely ridiculous, truly nothing I could even predict would be a problem, but on Valentine's Day he did something that made me feel like I was in real danger and I ended it for real.

But I still love him and miss him so much. I'm a strong, outspoken, independent woman who knows her worth -- my friends and family have been baffled about this relationship from the beginning, they hate him and always have, and they're very concerned and confused about my participation in it. And so am I. Why was it always so easy to forgive him or excuse the behavior? How did I get so entangled in this?

And even knowing what I know now, I'm still convinced he really did love me that much, really was that sincere about his remorse and regret. I feel oddly protective of him. Sometimes I regret telling my friends and family everything because they're the biggest reason I can't go back (and even typing that, I know it's crazy to say! He disrespected me, wasn't safe for me, cannot meet my emotional needs. He really wasn't even a good friend. There is NO reason to go back. This relationship literally wasn't even better than nothing.)

But I think of him constantly and I do miss him, I wonder how he is and what he's thinking, and I know I cannot/should not speak to him ever again. It's all even harder because I cannot admit any of this to my loved ones without immediate and drastic concern or even well-intentioned insults (you should be committed for even thinking about talking to him ever again). I'm ashamed I ever got into this situation and embarrassed about how it's affecting me and scared it could happen again somehow with someone else. Can anyone relate?