I wasn't special

What I'm about to say is ridiculous given the circumstances, but I missed him today and scrolled way back on his IG account (I know, I shouldn't check at all). He's always been really vague about past relationships, I only knew of two and we're in our 40s.

I later learned that he deletes all signs of someone (from when he did it to me) but I was able to tell that intense 3-4 month relationships where love of my life/marriage kind of stuff was discussed that end via his bad behavior are a regular pattern. AND OF COURSE THEY ARE. It also hurts a bit that any sign of me was eliminated but there are still pictures/tags/comment exchanges with some of these other women, who aren't blocked and who happen to be more aesthetically his type (tattooed/pierced) which is ridiculous because who wants to be associated with this loser anyway?

But for some reason, this hurts more than breaking up did. I was so convinced that I really was special and that he'd mourn this loss forever. I'd read the posts here about all of the hot/cold pwBPD relationships and think that ours was different because he REALLY loved me and knew that I was different. But I'm not and I was deleted and won't be mentioned again either.