Retirement.

Someone more clever than I used the term "Retired Drinking Champ."

That's me. My stats are impressive.

I've done just about as many fucked-up things under the influence and consumed just about as much alcohol as a person could be expected in a lifetime.

I played my "bowl game" on November 30th, 2012.

The following day is the date I identify as when I made the decision to become a nondrinker. I stopped bullshitting myself and made the call to stop consuming alcohol.

This past month, I "came out of retirement." I relapsed and started drinking again. Along with it came all the old rationalizations.

But I can't rationalize anymore. It doesn't matter how stressful my life is right now or how I need to prioritize other things or how my depression is overwhelming or any of my other lame excuses.

Sobriety needs to be my main aim.

Now, I'm not sure if that means AA or SMART Recovery or individual counseling or something else. All I know is that despite papers, exams, graduation, moving, traveling, etc. that everything I do needs to reflect this new priority.

Last night I drank and nothing bad happened. It was actually one of those model drinking nights, the kind that lie to you and reinforce the notion that you are in control of your problem. But my eyes are open. Given a long enough timeline, for a person like me, dire consequences will result.

There's a man, goin' round, takin' names.

That man, for me, is alcoholism and as surely as I live, there will come a day of reckoning where he collects his due . . . and my life will shatter into a million pieces.

Sobriety is my only shot at redemption.

Now, to fully mix my metaphors, I gotta hang up that jersey for good and head gracefully back into retirement.

I'm putting on my badge again.

Thank you all for your support. Wish me luck!