[1958] Memorandum - Chapter 1 [2nd Version]

I had gotten critique on a previous version of this same chapter, but I temporarily shelved the draft and only came back to it after getting a better understanding of what it needs to do. For this story that I plan to publish, it’s got an uphill battle. It’s YA but features a male protagonist, and it’s a portal(-ish) fantasy a la the Persona series, which is more popular in self-pub and MG than trad YA. And I have to nail a stellar hook cuz YA Fantasy is competitive. So, I thought, challenge accepted. Thankfully, I found and read several recent comps that show there’s a market. Now, the hard part: getting the writing itself nice, tight, voice-y, and compelling. That’s why I’m here. Critique away.

Specific asks:

1.   Is the tone genre-appropriate?
   

2.   Is there enough character/interiority and a compelling voice, especially to make it stand out in its genre? Does the story hit the ground running?
   

3.   Do I give necessary information too late? Not soon enough? Anything vague?
   

4.   Any repetitions that could be cut?
   

Document

Crit 1 (555)

Crit 2 (655)

Crit 3 (781)