I (27m) was ready for relationship and wanted to give her (24f) everything. Now I don't even know who I am anymore.

So, long story short, I'm a hardworking person. For 8 of the last 10 years, I've been attending therapy and working hard on improving myself. As a psychologist, I also conduct therapy helping others for last 3 years. Alongside that, I’m a self-taught programmer who, four months ago, landed the job of my dreams. I also have other side gigs with programming. Over the past year, I’ve lost 40 kg and improved my appearance to the point that I've been in the fashion show. I’ve been consistently working out for years, avoid alcohol, don’t smoke, and stay clear of drugs. I often hear that I am a fun, smart and good looking person.

However, relationships have always been my biggest challenge. I was single for the first 21 years of my life, then got involved with a girl I never truly liked and stayed with her for four years. After that, I was alone again and struggled to connect with anyone. Eventually, all my hard work started paying off and I started noticing girls being more and more attracted to me, kissing girls on dates stopped being a problem and overall everything started to be easy. That’s when I met my ex, and this post is really about her.

From the beginning, I thought she was almost like a projection of mine—someone out of a dream. She was in the modeling world, her looks was absolutely flawless, she used drugs, wore fancy clothes, and was incredibly strong and independent. At the same time, she had this side of her that was like a vulnerable little girl who needed my help and stability. I fell in love right away, ignoring every red flag; and there were many. I thought I could help her grow, maybe even fix her.

Since I had some money, I took us on amazing vacations, and we had an incredible time. Honestly, for the entire four months that the relationship lasted, I felt special. Attending her fashion shows and watching her gave me an insane thrill, and she even got me a spot in the modeling world too. The time we spent together was wonderful. I honeslty never before idealized anyone as hard. It was like there was only me and her and no one and no other thing mattered.

But things started changing when she started going to raves, taking all kinds of drugs, and partying from 8 PM to 11 AM. Then sleeping for two days, beeing hungover for another few and taking again in next weekend to repeat circle. For someone like me who lives sober, it was a nightmare. I couldn’t even understand how someone could live like that, or how to be in a relationship with someone like that. My therapist and close friends advised me to set boundaries. I tried, but every time I did, she felt like I was trying to control her or blackmail her.

One time, I went to a rave with her to see what it was all about. Watching her constantly anxious, only wanting to take drugs and not socialize, dance, or do anything else, was both horrifying and heartbreaking. I told her I’d leave if she took any drugs, and when she did, I left. She called me an hour later, and I told her I couldn’t be with her anymore.

We met and texted afterward, I felt weak and tried to convince her we should keep trying, but she never saw her fault in any of this, just saying that I left her so I don't deserve to be her boyfriend. Even thought I tryed to fight for her, I knew deep down that I couldn’t be with someone with her lifestyle.

Three months before, I bought us plane tickets to an exotic Asian country, but we didn’t go because of the breakup. I didn’t mind the wasted money so much; it just hurt that she’d said her dream was to travel the world, and I’d wanted to give her that—but it turned out drugs mattered more to her.

Now, here I am, struggling to accept this reality. I took a week off work, feeling sick and binging on food daily. I just lie in bed. I got into a situationship and spent three days with someone I met on Tinder, but we ended it because she didn't wanted to get hurt and I didn't wanted to be in relationship with her.

So here I am—a person once seen as a role model by family, someone with cool achievements who always seemed to land on his feet—now feeling completely destroyed. I talk to several girls on Instagram, get lots of matches on tinder, but no one seems interesting in the slighest to me. I play games from my childhood on my laptop and eat. I vent to friends and family, but no one can help me or lesser my pain. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself, dissapointment is so damn overwhelming.