Trying to be sober but feeling hopeless

Trying to be sober but feeling hopeless

I want to go into this new year fully sober, but have constant anxiety over my past. I am 20 years old and started drinking around the age of 16. I began binge drinking around 17 and it would happen around once a week. I then went into college (at 18) and would binge drink and blackout really bad about once or twice a week. It came from a place of self hatred- the only thing that would get me through the week knowing I can blackout friday and Saturday. This continued up until recently, even though I went the whole summer fully sober.

Over the summer, I began to feel SO anxious for my actions. Unfortunately, when I was put back into my college environment I decided to “drink a little,” but sooner rather than later I began to go back to my old habits.

I have heard so many stories about the things I have done drunk, including pushing people at the bar, throwing up on the floor, or kissing strangers. Unfortunately, for my 17/18 year old brain, it was funny and not enough incentive for me to stop. I will never forgive myself for not stopping then.

I’ve been home for about 3 weeks now and haven’t had any alcohol, but im beginning to go down the same spirals from the summer. I am convinced that my health is ruined and I have irreversible damage due to alcohol. I am feeling anxious and overthinking what could’ve happened on every blacked out night from 2.5 years ago. I am convinced a video of me from my past will get posted on social media and I won’t be able to get a job. I feel like my entire future is ruined. I don’t know how to keep going like this. Over the summer, I had routine bloodwork done and all of my liver values and results were normal. I still keep convincing myself that I have brain/nerve damage that I can’t reverse.

I also keep feeling like I can’t escape my past, and things that I convince myself happened while I was blacked out will come back to haunt me. I HATE myself for all of my mistakes. I don’t know how I could have let myself get to this. I was once SO nice kind and considerate, and THIS is who I have turned into. I have made so many mistakes. How am I EVER supposed to forgive myself. I feel like I have ruined my future. I truly don’t know what to do, does anyone have any advice?