Shame from the past coming up. Can’t sleep.

When I was in my early twenties I had a sexual relationship with my step-cousin of the same age. No one in the family found out as far as I know.

I feel so much shame and guilt about it. It was weird. It was gross. It was taboo. He isn’t even a good person.

We were surrounded by a very weird situation at the time. His mom married my uncle. They each had kids from previous marriages. That’s why he’s not my actual blood cousin. One of his sister’s ended up marrying one of my uncle’s sons. I don’t remember if the step siblings were dating before my uncle and his mom got together. I think that might have been the case. It was very strange.

So my step-cousin and I were surrounded by people who decided to blur these family lines. We grew up with it. I think that’s why we thought it was OK. I remember literally saying that very thing when we started fooling around. As in “so and so did it so why can’t we?”

He wanted to have PIV sex and I never allowed it. I’m so glad I didn’t, but I still feel so much shame and guilt for what we did do. I feel like I’m supposed to be a better person than that. I ended up ending it once I realized how wrong it was and kept that boundary. He tried to make moves on me a couple more times after that and I refused.

Now it’s almost 20 years later and I feel so much shame and guilt. I hope writing this helps. I couldn’t sleep last night. It was awful.

I feel like I need so much validation that I’m not a horrible person.