Cutting ties with abusive family

Q: Why is cutting off my toxic, abusive family so hard? I feel hopeless, guilty and scared.

First of all, congratulations to you for accomplishing what so others many cannot. It takes immense courage to cut away from the toxic family that damaged your youngest years.

As much as you now have mature eyes to see the true story, there is still a whole foundation of beliefs and perceptions that was instilled into your childhood brain. Stepping away from the abusers can be excruciating because it rips you away from all that you 'knew to be true, all that was your reality' for so long. So of course, you feel unmoored, terrified and vulnerable. Your personality feels unstable because of this; you flip-flop through old and new emotions; you don't trust your new situation ; you fear you cannot even trust yourself. Being able to tolerate this transition is what requires that immense courage referred to earlier. A therapist would be so very helpful to you right now. They will offer stability and support while you get some perspective on your past abuse and piece together your 'new life'.

There is also a troubling element of guilt that can complicate your new adjustment. You may have been a key 'member' of a family system where they needed you to be the scapegoat. You were the recipient of others anger and bullying. Maybe you were even made to believe that you caused all the problems . So, ironically, you can feel guilty for not filling this role any more. Your childhood mind may feel you have abandoned a family who 'needs you.' If this is your case, take a hard look at how deeply entrenched you were in that family system. Have your therapist work with you on this.

Because you have done the very hardest part already, please allow yourself some support and guidance during this difficult transition. If you cannot find a therapist, please choose a trusted person, a pastor, a coach to talk with. You so deserve to have better days now that you have moved on from your family. There is enormous good that can come from your decision, but please get what you desperately need to sort all this out. Readers are cheering you on and wishing you all the best, friend.