Infamous_Language109

This forum is dedicated to bringing support and guidance to survivors of childhood abuse. Through sharing, we grow.

A post from Lari Davis, survivor.

I have seen “Self-Abandonment” mentioned many times, but never gave any thought to what it actually was or about until you asked me this question.

So, I searched online for answers. There is a lot about it and I truly related to the following list:

1. Ignoring emotions: Pushing feelings aside or convincing yourself they're wrong 2. Prioritizing others: Sacrificing your own interests and goals for others 3. Not setting boundaries: Letting people take advantage of you 4. People-pleasing: Saying "yes" when you mean "no" 5. Hiding parts of yourself: Changing yourself to avoid disapproval 6. Not trusting your instincts: Discounting your gut fe

DR. Antonia Contreras explains why we resist letting go of the pain and healing:

One simple explanation is that change itself produces anxiety. What’s familiar—even if it’s painful—can feel safer than venturing into the unknown. And because trauma is largely fueled by fear, it’s no surprise that you may be afraid to lose the patterns or coping mechanisms you’ve relied on, even if they’re rooted in trauma.

Another reason people hesitate to engage with a healing journey is tied to identity. If you’ve come to see your trauma or your traumatic responses (like a short fuse or the role of “victim”) as part of who you are, letting go can feel like losing a piece of yourself. In reality, in case

Yes, you can turn out to be rebellious. Even if that inclination to rebel is eventually suppressed, you often resent advice, fear criticism, feel threatened by evaluation, and can reject the authority of teachers, bosses, and authority figures. A therapist can help you see how you might be projecting the ‘domineering parent’ onto all types of people and situations. Therapy is essential if there is a pattern of troubled relationships in adult adjustment.

Alternately, over-controlled children can become submissive and insecure as adults. Without a firm sense-of-self, they have trouble making decisions, tend to seek approval, fear risk-taking, feel inferior, and can undervalue their own talent

As much as you learned to let it roll off your back, it still takes a toll. Perhaps you will recognize youself in some or many of these (mal)adaptive patterns:

Low self-esteem, distorted self-image, if people like you it means your defects are just well-hidden. Indecision, indecision, can’t be sure! You always need ‘more information’, suspecting there are hidden traps, caveats to every choice. The corollary: Fear of commitment, resisting projects, events, and relationships; procrastination, can’t get started, fear of failure or more disappointment. What-if’s. Lack of confidence, constant comparison to others, chronic self-questioning, thinking the ‘right way’ must be something else. Checkin

Oh, heavens yes! That assigned role you had as a kid can be a lifelong membership to your dysfunctional, abusive family. That’s why so many victims flee the scene when they reach adulthood, breaking all contact with the parents and even toxic siblings. That can be the most necessary and powerful action you can take. It is also the healthiest choice you can make for yourself. Therapy and recovery can take much longer if you remain immersed in that family drama.

In other instances, if you are fortunate, parents come to a reckoning once you reach adulthood. They finally grant you autonomy and respect your individuality. You will notice that change big-time if it happens. Never slide backwards

Normal adolescence is a time for ‘breaking away’ and asserting your own identity in a confusing world. Add early abuse or trauma into that picture and you have yourself a tumultuous and convoluted process to go through.

Early abuse creates an emotional overlay on all the activities and relationships that are part of ‘breaking away.’ You have learned to interpret the world in ways that can easily distort your perceptions and mislead you in dangerous or repeating directions.

As cautious and defensive as you are, you are also extremely vulnerable to any ‘safe’ relationship that fills the void of your painful past. You are easy prey for impulsive, intense romantic relationships; attachment to

I find it very valuable to ‘give myself credit’ for accomplishing basic, small tasks that go unnoticed. Things like cleaning the kitchen counter, getting to the laundry, having the car washed, etc. are noteworthy accomplishments.

We think only big things are praiseworthy— not so. If we had been praised for regular things as kids, we’d be feeling natural satisfaction as adults for completing so many daily tasks. But we are deprived of that normal feeling because we carry emotional burdens that blunt ‘happy feedback’ from our own neurological system.

So at days end, if I’m feeling guilty for being lazy, feeling unproductive and useless ( ha, ha.. are we hard on ourselves?!), that’s when I do

Q: After my parents yell and berate me, I become a different person, stony, silent and passive aggressive.

A: It sounds like you might be ‘splitting off’ as a necessary defense mechanism to protect yourself from your parents’ overwhelming bombardment. Your passive-aggressive stance with silent, stony-faced reaction shows your ‘enemies’ that you have an impenetrable barrier in place, you cannot be destroyed. So yes, it does protect you.

But meanwhile, it requires you to ‘split off’ from your primary (core) emotions of fear, helplessness, and dissolution. That is likely why the next day you feel disconnected, with no clear memory of that separate state.

If this is a frequent occurrence

Q: Why is cutting off my toxic, abusive family so hard? I feel hopeless, guilty and scared.

First of all, congratulations to you for accomplishing what so others many cannot. It takes immense courage to cut away from the toxic family that damaged your youngest years.

As much as you now have mature eyes to see the true story, there is still a whole foundation of beliefs and perceptions that was instilled into your childhood brain. Stepping away from the abusers can be excruciating because it rips you away from all that you 'knew to be true, all that was your reality' for so long. So of course, you feel unmoored, terrified and vulnerable. Your personality feels unstable because of this; y

Q: Can intergenerational trauma impact our mental and physical health ?

Absolutely. 'Who we are' is passed down to us from the older generations that faced war, famine, plagues, starvation, genocide, poverty, disease, violence, etc. Neuroscientists report that the psychological impact of this history gets passed along in the form of anxiety, depression, anger, shame, fear, etc. The parents who raise us, came with the same ingrained attitudes, beliefs and behavior that were learned from their parents.

Moreover, genetic scientists conclude that our human DNA is modified by the life-conditions that impacted our forefathers/mothers. It is called epigenetics and refers to the impact of the env