Everyone throws me away.

My whole life, people have never held any value to me. I feel disposable. Not invited to things, people find me unattractive, no one reaches out to me. I hate being gay. I hate being black. Hate being ugly, fat, annoying, a loser. People don't miss my absence. I sexually exploit myself to feel wanted and ruined the only relationship I ever had because of it. People ghost and throw me away so easily time and time again regardless of how long I've known them. I've never had a real group of friends I was a part of; Just a worthless addition that no one really wanted around. People ghost and throw me away so easily time and time again regardless of how long I've known them. Like I'm trash. I think I'm trash. I don't want to live this life I'm locked into. I'm 25 yo Dropout with a shit job. I feel like antidepressants are just a pause on that reality and self-awareness that I'm unwanted. And then I feel worse because my problems are so much smaller than other people's. I feel like i really do deserve to die for being so selfish and I'm unwanted for a good reason. Sometimes I think I'm genuinely spiritually cursed or like my soul is tainted or something and people sense it as off-putting and hate me.