Self-abandonment

A post from Lari Davis, survivor.

I have seen “Self-Abandonment” mentioned many times, but never gave any thought to what it actually was or about until you asked me this question.

So, I searched online for answers. There is a lot about it and I truly related to the following list:

1. Ignoring emotions: Pushing feelings aside or convincing yourself they're wrong 2. Prioritizing others: Sacrificing your own interests and goals for others 3. Not setting boundaries: Letting people take advantage of you 4. People-pleasing: Saying "yes" when you mean "no" 5. Hiding parts of yourself: Changing yourself to avoid disapproval 6. Not trusting your instincts: Discounting your gut feelings

I have DID and when I was growing up, I recall some traumatic times.

I recall crying and my father told my mother to stay away from me - it was actually an Order!!!

I recall crying uncontrollably when I saw my mother in the casket when I was 13. I had 5 younger siblings down to age 3. I’ve never cried like that since and I’m 79.

I was forced to put myself LAST, if at all, and everyone came first as I was ordered to behave.

I had no boundaries - it was not allowed.

I was never allowed to say “No” to anyone!!!

Hiding parts of myself - to, in actuality - to Survive!!! I have 47 alters in total - most are no longer active, yet they still remain.

I’m not sure if I trust my instincts or not, but I feel that I probably do not. And I typically do not know what my gut feelings are about anything - it’s very difficult for me.

AND . . . I’ve had over 35 years of therapy on and off for my DID (it was called MPD in 1990 when I was diagnosed). I could still use some more therapy, but stopped seeing my last therapist since he appeared to be quite preoccupied as well as bored on our last session in November of 2023. And I lost trust in him as a result of his behavior.

I learned more about myself than anything else by answering this question and I say, THANK YOU!!!

I hope that my answer helps others, because that is the purpose of this!!!💖🤗💖🤗💖🤗 Lari

I realized that I forgot to answer the last question as to what has helped me and therapy for one and mostly my alters - the ones that are still active - especially the 4 girls!!!