Source
r/depression•
walkinghard

I'm still depressed

Hi, short rant, feeling kind of down after another day of avoiding studying for exams I have next week, I'm screwed and I don't even actively care. July was great, for a while I thought it was going to get better, but then I hit a wall. The second I stopped constantly smoking weed and drinking it all hit me again, it was all a fucking lie.

The second I had a REAL responsibility everything just turned to shit, I'm a weakwilled piece of shit, I stop smoking weed to start studying and I pick up videogames...I don't even get that much joy out of it, it's just a way to not get reminded about my worthless life.

The last time I had a depressive 'period' I felt bad all the time, I felt so much emotions and everything sucked, but now...it's more like an emptiness, barely any sense of caring left. I have some plans to fix everything, but I've had 7 years of plans that I let go to waste, why would it work this time?

Guess I'm writing this to remind myself not to escape from the truth, because escapism has been my biggest problem throughout my life.

Thanks for reading, or not, I don't really care.

Posted Aug 15, 2013, 9:55 PM UTC

34
Pukehappyness•

Hey man,

If you fall 100 times you will pick yourself up 101 times.

No matter if you wasted 7 years of plan, there's always a reason to start over. I'm not always for using weed and alcohol to cope with depression but it does help. I've only ever used weed and I tend to tell people to stray away from depending on them.

Video games to cope isn't that bad, I do it. Yeah I don't enjoy the game, I just use it to past all the extra time I have.

Do you have any particular hobbies you enjoy? any activities?

Hey we all care, never say we don't. There will always be one person that cares even if you've never met before! Chin up!

3
walkinghardOP•

The only activities I indulge in are going out, hanging out with friends doing nonsensical stuff and redditing/gaming, and going to the gym (I havent gone in a month though).

You're right, I do care, and I can pick myself up, I'm just so tired of having to do it over and over and over. After a while you just don't want to anymore, as if there's no end in sight. To some everything I want to do comes so easy, and I can't help but wonder why it seems like such an impossible feat to me.

Even though I said I didn't care, I do appreciate you and ThatGrumpyGoat's reply, your advice has been helpful. Thank you.

1
Pukehappyness•

Glad to hear it man!

Start getting back in the gym. Get some of the stress out.

1
ThatGrumpyGoat•

I can offer some empathy. I thought I was improving for the past year until I got my first hard deadline; I completely fell apart again. I'm used to being an overachiever, but I can put hours into video games to avoid work. Also, depression doesn't have to feel the same every time. In college had all the feels but I could get work done. Now I'm having the same motivation issues you describe.

It's easy to say things like "I'm a weakwilled piece of shit", and that feeds back into the lack of motivation. YMMV, but one thing I've found useful while struggling to write (or study) is to break the task into small manageable goals. It may feel fake, but try to acknowledge yourself when you accomplish each goal. You know how hard it is to get anything done right now, so each of those goals is an achievement.

My work is going way too slowly, but at least it's going. And that's better than I could manage a year ago. My paper - after a breakdown and two weeks past deadline - is in review for a journal. It's easier said than done, but consider tackling the studying bit by bit over the next few days.

Worst case, consider contacting on-campus counseling for an updated diagnosis and find the student disabilities office. They may be able to give you incompletes rather than fails if you're in danger of failing. Before you do that, check the rules to see how it will affect your GPA and financial aid.

Good luck on the exams next week.

2